A fresh flood of tears poured down her cheeks, but she glared at him with a mixture of exasperation and outrage. “Of course it mattered to me,” she choked, before adding something that sounded like “you mutton-headed arse” under her breath.
He smiled. Even collapsed in a ball of tears, she still had spirit. To hell with it. He was done trying to fight this. If there was a chance in hell that something could be between them, he was going to take it. For the first time in days, he could see things clearly.
He took her gently into his arms, more than half-expecting her to push him away. When she didn’t, a spark of hope fired inside him. “I won’t leave you again. Ever.”
He stroked her head as she sobbed against his chest. Then, seeming to realize what he’d said, she looked up. “Y-you won’t?”
She looked so stunned he couldn’t stop a smile from curving his mouth. He shook his head. “Not if you don’t want me to.” He cradled her against him, trying to find the words to convince her. He’d spend a lifetime making it up to her, if she’d let him. “I know I’m an arse. I know I’ve hurt you. I know I don’t deserve you, but for what it’s worth, I…”
Ah hell. He’d never said these words to anyone in his life, and they didn’t come easily. His heart pounded, but he forced himself to continue. There was no going back now. She could laugh in his face and grind his heart under her tiny heel if she wanted to—which was no more than he deserved—but at least he would have told her how he felt. He took a deep breath and spit it out. “I love you.”
He heard her sharp intake of breath as she went still in his arms. For the longest time she didn’t say anything, but simply stared up at him. He’d never felt so exposed in his life. His heart felt like a hammer in his chest, pounding hard and unrelentingly. At just about the point he didn’t think he could stand another minute without squirming, she repeated hesitantly, “Youloveme?”
She managed to convey both wariness and skepticism in the inflection of that one word. He couldn’t blame her. He wasn’t all that comfortable with the idea himself. What the hell did he know about love?
He hadn’t expected her to jump in his arms and declare her love for him—if she’d ever cared for him, he’d sure as hell ruined that—but it pained him to realize just how much cause she had to be cautious. He’d hurt her, and she feared he would do so again. “I know I haven’t acted like it.”
“No, you haven’t,” she agreed all too readily. “Why should I believe you?”
He should have known she wouldn’t make it easy on him. But he’d dug himself into this grave, so he needed to dig himself out. “I’ve never been so miserable in my life.”
Her mouth quirked. “And this is supposed to convince me? I think you’re going to have to do better than that.”
For a man who’d never thought he had feelings, let alone tried to talk about them, he didn’t know what to say. “I’ve never felt like this about anyone. You make me crazy. You make me happy. You make me want to be a better man.”
A smile hovered around her lips. “That’s sweet.”
He nearly choked. “Sweet?Good God, don’t let anyone hear you say that!” He’d never hear the end of it.
She eyed him expectantly. “Is that all?”
He gave her a sharp look. “This isn’t exactly easy for me; you could show a little mercy.”
She lifted an imperious brow. “Mercy? I didn’t think you knew the word.” She shook her head. “You know I’m beginning to doubt this fearsome reputation of yours. I didn’t think you were scared of anything.”
“I didn’t think so either,” he muttered under his breath. He’d rather take on an army of Englishmen with his bare hands—naked—then bare himself like this.
How could he find words to convey the enormity of what was in his heart? “You were right. I was fighting this. I was fighting you. I’ve done everything I could to make you hate me, but it wasn’t until I succeeded that I knew what a damned fool I’ve been. I swear if I could take back what happened in that boathouse, I would.” He dragged his hand through his hair, trying to find a way to explain the inexcusable. “I should have pushed you away, but I wasn’t strong enough. Somehow it ended up all twisted. I tried to make myself believe that all I felt for you was lust, and I made you believe it.”
“You didn’t act alone, Lachlan. I should never have done what I did.” Her cheeks flushed in the darkness. “It was wrong of me to try to persuade you that way. I didn’t give you a choice to push me away; I wanted to make you weak.” He felt her eyes on his face, as if she could dig the truth out of him. “But I don’t understand. If you love me, why did you refuse to help me?”
He knew he had to tell her all of it. “You know I have some debts?” She nodded. “Some of the money is for the families of the men who died for me that day.”
She gasped. Her eyes locked on his. “How much of it?”
He shrugged uncomfortably. “They had large families.”
“My God, you’ve been supporting all those people for ten years?”
His jaw locked. “It’s not enough.” It would never be enough.
“Why didn’t you tell me? How could you let me think you didn’t care about your duty to your clan? How could you let me make all those accusations?”
“Because I didn’t want you looking at me the way you are now. I’m not a bloody saint, but I pay my debts.”
Her eyes widened with horror as she realized all the ramifications. “Oh God, Lachlan, I’m sorry. I swear to you I will find a way to make sure you get your money. If Robert won’t…Somehow, I’ll repay you.”
He stiffened. “It’s my debt, Bella, not yours. I don’t want your money. I’ll find a way.”
