“No, no,” she assured him. She explained how Auchinbreck and his men had arrived at Rothesay followed by Jamie. “I couldn’t take the chance that his brother would find you first. I thought my husband would protect you.”
“But you’ve changed your mind?”
“No, I—” She stopped, realizing what she’d said.No.She hadn’t changed her mind. Even after what had passed between them, she still believed that Jamie would try to help her brother and clansmen; it was his cousin’s mercurial ruthlessness that she feared. How could she explain? “It’s complicated,” she hedged.
Brian studied her. “You don’t think he holds enough influence over his cousin?”
His shrewd appraisal of the situation took her aback. At that moment, he reminded her so much of their father.
She considered his question. Jamie claimed that Argyll had promised leniency. Though every instinct warred against trusting Argyll, it was clear that Jamie still believed in him—Argyll’s deception of Alasdair MacGregor notwithstanding.
If she believed in Jamie, did that mean she must believe in Argyll as well? The very idea was abhorrent, but uncomfortably true. She knew the type of man Jamie was: Was it possible that his loyalty and duty would extend to a despot? Jamie was right: At some point, she had to choose a side. She was either for Jamie and his cousin or she was against them. It wasn’t a simple matter of black and white, but a complicated shade of gray. Whom did she believe in more?
She knew the answer in her heart but was too scared to admit it when doing so might mean she’d made a grave error. “Jamie has influence, and he’s promised to speak on behalf of Niall and the others. But I’m not sure it will be enough. Too much is at stake for uncertainty. I never would have told him where you were if I’d known what he intended.”
“I should have guessed,” Brian said disgustedly. “He tricked you into telling him, then?”
“No, of course not,” she defended automatically. “He would never do that. He just assumed I would realize what he had to do.”
“You tried to convince him otherwise?”
She nodded. “He wouldn’t listen.” Even when she’d thrown down the ultimate gauntlet. The panic and fear of the moment had made her grasp at anything. “He said it was his duty.”
“What did you expect him to do, Caiti? He’s Argyll’s bloody Henchman. Even a Campbell has to abide his laird.”
God, it was clear even to her thirteen-year-old brother. Unease penetrated the veil of betrayal that had blinded her to anything else when she’d discovered what Jamie had meant to do.
She’d asked him to put his duty to her before that to his cousin, and he’d refused. It had seemed so simple, but when he’d put the same choice to her, she’d realized it had been anything but. Love wasn’t an either-or proposition, but she’d made it one by issuing threats and ultimatums.
His duty and loyalty to his cousin were the very things that bound him to her; they couldn’t be tossed off at will.
As she’d done.
A pit of despair settled low in her belly as understanding dawned. She’d driven him away, left him with no choice when he’d done so much for her.
The more she thought about the past few months, the worse she felt. He was one of the most powerful men in the Highlands, yet he’d married her when she’d had nothing. Without him, her clan would have fallen apart. He’d not only helped her reclaim their land, but had poured his own gold into rebuilding Ascog—the progress of which was incredible. They never could have done it without him. She didn’t have his experience or leadership. The Lamonts might not like him, but they relied upon him. And they still needed him if Niall hoped to reclaim his lands.
But it wasn’t just her clan.Sheneeded him. As a woman needs a man, as a soul needs its mate. He was a part of her. He’d brought love back into her life, making her feel safe and happy when she never thought she’d feel that way again.
Brian’s question came back to her in a rush of guilt. What had she expected him to do? “I don’t know. I hoped to have some time, but he said that Niall and the others would eventually have to face what they had done and it was better now than later.”
She could see Brian’s frustration. He liked the idea of Niall and the others in Argyll’s clutches no better than she. “We have no choice but to go along with it. As long as Argyll is the law, your husband is right.” He gave her a considered look. “I suppose he must truly care for you to put your brother before his own.”
Caitrina started. She hadn’t thought of it like that, but Brian was right. Auchinbreck would be out for blood, and because of her, Jamie intended to stand in his way.
“And he must have been very certain of his influence to refuse you.”
“Aye,” she realized. He must have been.
She swallowed hard, a ball of emotion lodged in her throat, feeling the twinge of shame that came with a bit of perspective. Perspective that had been sadly lacking only a few hours ago. Had she been wrong not to give him her trust? She feared she knew the answer, and it might be too late.
“What do you think you can do by going after them?” Brian asked.
She leveled her gaze on her brother. “I don’t know. But I have to do something.” Both for Niall and for herself.
Caitrina felt as if she were racing against a burgeoning sense of doom. Every second of the journey seemed to toll against her as the certainty that she’d made a mistake grew.
She’d failed him. She’d gone to him for help, put him in an impossible situation between two conflicting duties, demanded something of him that he could not give, and then refused to trust him. Once she’d told Niall that she trusted Jamie with their lives, but when it came down to it, she hadn’t. She’d had a right to her anger, but she’d tried to use their love to bargain with his duty, and she deeply regretted her harsh words.
