Surprisingly, given the intimacies they'd shared, she wasn't embarrassed. Even now, after all that had happened, it seemedright.
She was just about to take her first step up the stairs that led from the yard to the tower, when she glanced to the left and glimpsed Sir Arthur coming out of the barracks.
Her heart jumped. She smiled and instinctively took a step toward him, but then stopped in her tracks. He wore his armor and it was obvious he was getting ready for practice, but she could make out enough of his face beneath the visor of his helm.
It wasn't as if she expected him to race across the yard to her--at least, not with Sir Hugh still at her side. But a look of tenderness would have been nice. Anything would have been nice compared to the look of regret--aye, and even shame--that swept across his handsome features.
The joy that had made her heart leap fizzled, bringing it crashing to the ground.
She felt Sir Hugh stiffen beside her, as he noticed what had caught her eye.
Arthur's gaze shifted to the other knight. She could feel the animosity sparking between the two men. It was Arthur who retreated first. He nodded to them both, and then moved away to join the other warriors.
Anna told herself not to be disappointed. Not to overreact. They would talk later. In private. She'd probably imagined what she thought she'd read in his eyes.
But Sir Hugh's next words told her she hadn't. "If it doesn't work out the way you plan, Lady Anna, I'll be here." A man to count on.
She prayed Arthur was as well.
Sixteen
It had taken them longer to leave Auldearn Castle than Arthur had anticipated. Alan MacDougall had been locked away with the earl, his council, and Sir Hugh in the solar for three more days, attempting, Arthur assumed, to persuade Ross to join forces even absent a betrothal. Thankfully, Alan's efforts had been to no avail.
As Arthur had not been privy to the meetings, he could not be certain of the earl's reasons, but the refusal boded well for King Robert. He would pass on the information as soon as he had the opportunity. He didn't think any messages had been passed, but he would check Anna and Alan's belongings at the first opportunity to make sure.
They'd left Auldearn at dawn, reversing the journey that ended only a week ago, pushing hard to make it safely past Urquhart Castle on the first day. The men, taking a cue from their lord and lady, seemed to sense that all had not gone as hoped, and the cloud of failure weighed heavily on the travelers. The mood was somber, if not outright morose.
Arthur knew he should be relieved and pleased that his mission had been a success. Ross and Lorn would not be joining forces. The MacDougalls' failure would help bring Bruce one step closer to victory and Arthur one step closer to seeing his enemy destroyed. Seeing John of Lorn pay for what he'd done to his father was what he wanted most in the world.
Wasn't it?
It should be, damn it. But he'd feared it was going to cost him far more than he'd ever anticipated.
Behind the mask of his helm he could give in to the urge to look at her. He felt it again, sharp and burning. It wasn't just his conscience eating at him but something else. The twinges of pain in his chest when he looked at her had become almost unbearable. But it hurt even more not to look at her.
She rode ahead of him, beside her brother and serving maid, allowing him only the occasional glimpse of her profile. He didn't need to see her face to know his silence on what had happened between them was hurting her. Badly.
God, what had he done? And more importantly, what the hell was he going to do about it?
Now that they were away from the castle, he couldn't avoid it--or her--any longer.
He knew what heshoulddo. He didn't need to be a knight to know that after coming within inches (literally) of taking her virginity, he should offer for her. No doubt it was what she was expecting--and should be expecting, damn it. If he had any honor, he would. But those inches gave him just enough of an excuse not to.
The battle within him was intensifying. Every instinct urged him to go to her, to give in to the feelings--damn it, the emotions--tossing around inside him, but the other part of him, the rational part, held him back from doing something even more damaging.
Even if at times he wanted to forget it, he was lying to her. And he sure as hell couldn't tell her the truth. His duty and loyalty belonged to Bruce. Whatever feelings he had for her didn't change that. They were on opposite sides of a brewing storm. Eventually she would discover his true allegiance and learn that the only reason he was at Dunstaffnage was to spy on and help destroy her family. Offering for her, he knew, would only make his ultimate betrayal that much worse.
It was an impossible situation, and one, he knew, of his own making. He should have stayed away from her. But her smile, her vitality, her sweetness and kindness, had chipped away at his good intentions. When he looked into those big blue eyes, it made him long for something that he hadn't even known he'd wanted.
He liked being alone, damn it! It was easier and a hell of a lot less complicated.
But she made him yearn for something he couldn't afford to give in view of what was to come. And hurting her like this--and not being able to do anything to change it--was tearing him apart. He was finding it difficult to focus on anything else.
Though she hadn't turned to look at him, he knew she was as aware of him as he was of her. He'd seen the way her shoulders had stiffened as he'd ridden up behind them.
With Richard and Alex scouting ahead, Arthur had circled behind them to make sure they weren't being followed. They were nearing the day's end of their journey, and as they drew closer Urquhart Castle--where Bruce's men had come upon them before--they had to be especially careful. Again, they would skirt well west of the road to avoid patrols from the "enemy" fortress.
"Here, my lady," he heard her maid say. "Lady Euphemia had the cook make these especially for you, seeing how much you loved them."
