He took her by the arm and faced her toward him. “Talk to me, sweetheart. Tell me what is bothering you.”
“It’s just all wrong.”
His face fell. He appeared stricken by her words. “I’m sorry if I disappointed you—”
Her frustration ran over, and she stopped him before he could take more blame that didn’t belong to him. “Blast it, Niall! You didn’t disappoint me.”
“Then why are you mad?”
“I’m not mad,” she snapped, realizing she sounded ridiculous. She looked at him, the emotions that had been locked up tight finally breaking free. “That isn’t true. Iammad. I’m mad at the three bastards who raped me. Who took something that should have been special and pleasurable and turned it into something painful and ugly. I’m mad that the first time a man touched me, it was with cruelty and violence and not with love and tenderness. I’m mad because it should have been different.” Her eyes met his accusingly. “I’m mad because it should have been with you.”
Her words appeared to hit Niall hard. He looked stricken, as if she’d finally managed to get her blade into his gut.
“I’m sorry, Annie. Sorrier than you will ever know. It’s my fault. If I hadn’t been such an idiot, none of this would have happened.”
Annie felt something inside her jar—like a note played out of tune. Is that what she thought? Had she secretly blamed Niall for what had happened to her?
She feared that maybe she had.
But hearing him say the words made her realize how wrong they were. What happened to her had nothing to do with Niall. Even if they’d been engaged or married, it wouldn’t have changed anything. Colin Campbell’s men would have hunted her down wherever she was, and Niall wouldn’t have been able to protect her from betrayal any more than her brothers had.
The only people to blame for what had happened to her were Colin Campbell and the three Campbell soldiers who’d raped her. She felt a few more cracks opening in the shield that she’d erected around her heart as resentment she didn’t realize she’d been harboring fell away.
“What happened to me had nothing to do with you,” she said, meaning it. “Even if you had asked me to marry you at Dunvegan, it wouldn’t have changed anything.”
“You would have been my wife. I could have protected you,” he said staunchly.
“Better than my brothers?” Niall’s mouth pressed in a hard line. It was clear he wanted to say “yes,” but equally clear that he knew it would be wrong. “That is why learning to defend myself is so important to me. The men in my life will not always be around to fight my battles for me.” Something suddenly occurred to her. “Why were you fighting with the Campbells earlier? Alys said she saw you throw Connell Campbell across the table.” She made a face. “I have to admit, I’m not sorry. I don’t much like the way he looks at—”
Me.
She stopped with a gasp, turning to him with a sudden glint of understanding. “The fight was about me, wasn’t it?”
“It had nothing to do with you,” Niall said, his expression far too blank.
“You’re a horrible liar. He must have said something. I thought you promised to stop being my personal avenger?”
Niall didn’t say anything, but his jaw clenched a little.
“What did he say?”
“Nothing.” Then realizing she wasn’t going to believe him, he amended, “It’s not important.”
“Obviously it was important enough for you to throw him across the table in the middle of the feast.” Annie tried to stare him down, but she knew from the stubborn set of his jaw that she wasn’t going to pry it out of him. It must have been bad. “It doesn’t matter,” she said finally. “I can guess the gist. I am either a whore or forever unclean after what those men did to me.”
There was more than a faint note of bitterness in her voice as she started to turn away.
“Don’t talk like that,” he said, stopping her. “It isn’t true.”
“Isn’t it?” she demanded, staring into the hard, blue-eyed gaze of the man who thought he could take on the world for her. “Tell me then why I’m either looked at as a figure to be pitied or scorned—as if I must have done something wrong to encourage those men in their vile deed. Will you fight everyone who gossips or says something nasty about me?”
He gave her a fierce look. “If I have to, damn it.”
He was serious. To a proud man like Niall, he would never be able to stand by and let the smirks and whispers that she ignored go unanswered. He would consider it his duty to right every slight, to demand retribution—whether she wanted it or not. Just as he’d done with Colin Campbell.
The futility of it would only make them both miserable. The spark of hope she’d felt a few moments before dimmed.
“Annie, I want you to come with me—”
