He didn’t know what to say, so he got angry. That was what he always did. It was easier than dealing with emotions that he didn’t know how to handle.
Colt let her go back to looking out the window. What did you say to the woman who’d given you her heart and you’d thrown it back in her face?
No, he’drippedit apart, set it on fire, and then thrown it back in her face. That was his MO. Scorched earth. Leave nothing behind but destruction, desolation, and ash.
He should have cherished her. Kate had been the only good thing to happen to him other than being a SEAL. But instead of giving everything like he had with the team, he’d held back the love he had for her, pushed her away, and refused to give her the one thing she really wanted but would never ask for: a baby.
Why? Because he was a fucking coward.
He’d feared that he wasn’t good enough. That he would screw up a kid the way he was screwing up his marriage. He feared losing her every day they weremarried. But that fear was infinitely better than the reality of actually doing so.
Ironically, he’d thought loving her would take him away from the team, but it had been their divorce that had done that. Being around Taylor... Colt hadn’t trusted himself. He’d wanted to kill him, and Colt was too good at doing that to chance sticking around.
He’d taken a job with CAD and had slipped deeper and deeper into the black hole he’d made of his life. He was good at his job—even liked the challenges sometimes—but without his teammates or Kate there wasn’t any light to balance the dark.
He hadn’t realized what a difference she’d made—how much he needed her—until she was gone. He felt as if he were living in a one-dimensional, black-and-white slide show that moved from op to op with nothing in between. The job wasn’t enough anymore.
He’d never gotten over her, and he never would. He loved her. Had always loved her even when he thought she’d betrayed him. If only he’d realized it before he’d made her hate him.
She had to hate him, didn’t she?
If she didn’t, she should. He could be a mean bastard when he wanted to be. He knew how to inflict pain. How to make someone hurt. It was the law of the jungle where he’d grown up—when someone hurts you, you hurt back harder so they never do it again.
It was a real fucking talent.
With everything he’d said to her—everything he’d done—he had no right to think she could ever forgive him, let alone care about him again.
But she still wanted him. He knew that from the kiss. It was a crack. Something to work with.
For the past three days, he’d been thinking about what she said.“Let it go.”Lethergo. Maybe that was the rightthing to do, but he couldn’t. It might make him a selfish asshole, but if there was any chance left for them, he was going to take it.
He knew he didn’t deserve her. He never had. But at one time she’d thought he was good enough and maybe that was all that mattered.
First he had to stop lashing out—stop being angry all the time—and start owning up to his mistakes.
“I fucked up,” he said, not knowing what else to say. He’d apologized before, but she needed to hear it again. She turned to meet his gaze. “I’m sorry. For everything. For pushing you away, for not trusting you, for saying all those horrible things in the hospital”—he drew a deep breath, the dark, twisting knot in his chest burning again—“for leaving you alone to mourn our daughter.”
He barely managed to get the word out, his throat was so thick.
He saw the surprise and the flicker of pain—raw pain that cut right through him—before she looked away. It was the first time he’d acknowledged the baby they’d lost.
He didn’t think she was going to respond. But maybe she was only giving herself a moment to collect herself. When she turned back, her expression was calm and serene, with no sign of emotion.
“Don’t beat yourself up, Colt. What happened with Scott and the baby probably only hastened the inevitable.”
He didn’t let her reflective, “it’s in the past” tone discourage him, which wasn’t easy. “What do you mean?”
She shrugged. “In therapy I realized that I’d pushed you into marriage and family even though it wasn’t something you’d ever wanted.” She shrugged, the wistful smile tearing him to shreds. “Some people just aren’t cut out for tricycles and picket fences.”
It was the truth, so why did it make him feel shittier to hear her say it? He’d never wanted any of that. Neverthought it was right for him. Until he’d met her, and she’d made him change his mind. She’d made him think that he could make her happy.
But he’d never believed it—not really.
Maybe that had been the problem. But he swore if she gave him another chance he would make it his life’s mission to prove her right. He’d do whatever it took to make her happy. Colt didn’t have any right to ask for that second chance, but he was going to do it anyway.
He took a deep breath, knowing she had every right to laugh in his face for what he was about to say. “What if I want to be that guy?”
She didn’t laugh. She just gave him a long look as if trying to figure out whether he was serious. Apparently she must have realized he was. She shook her head. “It’s too late for any of that.”
