“Do you mean like you not telling me the name of the man who killed my mother and tried to kill me?”
He winced. Fair enough. They’d both kept secrets. “I was trying to protect you.”
“You didn’t trust me,” she said calmly—too calmly. “Believe me, I understand. You proved that quite effectively.”
He knew what she meant, and also realized why she was so angry. Hell, he supposed it was deserved. “I’m sorry for not believing you about what happened that morning with John.” He explained how Pip had confessed everything—leaving out how how he’d tried to kill him. “I should have trusted you. I should have known you wouldn’t try to trick me. I did know it, but I was just too proud to listen.”
He paused, waiting for some kind of response. He’d just apologized; shouldn’t she say something? Shouldn’t she be glad that he knew she was innocent of any subterfuge?
Through the confusion of emotions swirling around inside him, he felt a prickle of unease. Somewhat nervously, he continued. “This thing with Bruce is awkward. I wish you’d told me, although I suppose I can understand why you didn’t—given what you thought about why he’d left. I’d like to think it would have made a difference had I known, but it probably wouldn’t have. God knows, I wanted you too badly. I still want you so badly. Once he gets over his initial anger, I do not think he will object. There is no reason we cannot be wed as soon as a priest can be found. Helen said you were not with child, but—”
“How dare you!” He flinched back a little from the venom she shot toward him. “Whether I am with child is none of your business. Nor did you have a right to discuss it with your former…”
Her mouth tightened, not saying the word. But he knew what she was thinking. He stiffened. “Helen is my friend, nothing more. She saved my life a few years back. She is with child, and it made me fear that you might be as well. Do not be upset with her. I was…not in a good state.”
She held his gaze as if trying to decide whether to believe him. “It makes no difference. It would not induce me to marry you.Nothingcould induce me to marry you. I would rather my child be called a bastard than have you for a father.”
Gregor drew back. He’d expected anger from her about what had happened. He’d behaved ignobly and should have trusted her. But this level of animosity was completely unexpected.
Was she in more pain from the wound than he realized? His anger fled. He sat on the foot of the bed and tried to take her hand. “God, I’m sorry, Cate. You have to know I didn’t mean to shoot you. You were supposed to move away, damn it. I never meant to cause you pain.”
She laughed. He had no idea what could have provoked the seemingly illogical reaction until she spoke. “Didn’t you? The arrow in my back might not have been intentional, but why did you go to the alehouse if you did not wish to hurt me? Did you not think proving to me how little you cared for me would cause me pain? I loved you, Gregor,lovedyou with all my heart. Worse, I believed in you. And how did you reward that belief? You took the first woman who you could find to your bed.”
“I didn’t take any woman to my bed.”
“Don’t!” she said. “Don’t lie to me. Isawyou.”
“How could you have seen me when it didn’t happen?”
“I followed you to the alehouse. I saw you take Maggie upstairs. I saw you in the room together.”
Gregor felt all the blood in his body drain to the floor, landing with a hard thud. Horror, shame, and panic descended on him in a maddening rush. Christ, what had she seen? Too much, if the look on her face was any indication.
He’d planned on telling her what happened, but he never dreamed she could have seen it. How was he going to make her understand? “Nothing happened, Cate. I swear to you. I didn’t take her to my bed.”
“No, what you were doing didn’t seem to require a bed.” The words seemed to break her. The next came out in a sob. “I saw her take you in her mouth, Gregor. I saw everything.”
Shite. Gregor felt ill just thinking about what that must have been like for her. What must she think? What he’d done was inexcusable.
He knew just how badly he’d erred, and he fought with everything he had to hold on to her. To not let her slip away. But he felt like he was trying to grasp a cloud that was floating away from him.
“I tried to do it, Cate, but I couldn’t. It was wrong—God, I know it was wrong, but I swear to you it only lasted a few moments before I pushed her away. I became ill, and passed out. When I woke up, I realized what a horrible mistake I’d made and planned to tell you everything. I knew then that I loved you and didn’t want any other woman but you. You were right, sweetheart.”
She wiped the tears away from her eyes angrily. “And when did you have this great epiphany? Before or after you let her get on her knees before you? Am I to be relieved that you stopped? Should I give you a reward for not finishing what you started? Is it any less of a betrayal for not reaching completion? What if you’d found me in another man’s arms? What if he kissed me and touched me intimately? Would it matter to you that I did not find pleasure?”
His eyes flared. “I’d kill any man for touching you.”
“Even if I wanted him to?” she taunted. “Even if I needed to prove my feelings for you?”
“That’s ridiculous. You love me, that isn’t how—”
He stopped.
“Exactly,” she said softly. “That isn’t how you prove anything, most of all love.” She held his gaze. “I’m done fighting for something that isn’t there. Maybe your father was right. Maybe thereisnothing more than a pretty facade. You’ve spent all this time becoming an amazing warrior, building muscle until you look like a rock, but inside, where it counts, you are weak.”
He flinched, the words hitting hard, striking old scars that hadn’t healed as much as he’d thought.Weak. He felt like a midge crushed under her heel. Small and utterly destroyed. Worse, he had only himself to blame. Of all the mistakes he’d made when he was younger—and he’d made a hell of a lot of them—he’d never done something so destructive. He’d never held something precious in his grasp and then tossed it away.
God, what had he done? He’d reverted to a man he didn’t want to be. She’d believed in him and he’d let her down. He’d let himself down.
