“I do not think that I wish to be a nun.”
Some of his anger returned. “And this is so important that you sneak out of your bed in the middle of the night to come to find me?”
She shot him a glare, her mouth pursing. “It means that in the right circumstances, Imightconsider marriage.”
He stilled. The air seemed to have left his lungs. Actually the air, the blood, the bones, and pretty much everything else seemed to have left him as well.
Was she trying to say that she would consider marryinghim?
From the way she lowered her gaze and the soft pink blush on her cheeks, he suspected that was exactly what she meant.
Jesus!Though he was wearing only a tunic and a thin pair of wool breeches, he felt a sheen of sweat gathering on his brow. What the hell was he supposed to say?
“Janet, you know that the right circumstances will be decided by the king. If it is your wish to marry, Bruce will be the one to find a husband for you—asuitablehusband.”
Her mouth tightened distastefully. “Robert isn’t like that. He will consider my wishes.”
Ewen swore under his breath. How could he tell her that “Robert” had already found a husband without considering her wishes at all? Not to mention that the king had warned Ewen to stay away from her.
He shuffled uncomfortably, suddenly feeling as if he were walking through a garden of Sutherland’s black powder bags—with sparks on his boots. “He will find you a husband who has more than a finger of land and a half-built castle.”
Rather than discourage her, his words seemed to embolden her. “But what if he could be persuaded? Don’t you see, I could help you. If you were to marry me, it would improve your position with Robert. He would be sure to return some of your land to you, and—”
“Stop!” He took her by the shoulders and shook her, not realizing what he was doing. “What you are saying is impossible. Damn it, do you ever hear the word ‘no’? It isn’t going to happen.”
She drew in a hard breath, staring at him with a hundred questions in her eyes. “Why not? I thought you…” Her eyes turned to his, tearing at him. “I thought you cared about me. Don’t you want me?”
Bloody hell!He let her go as suddenly as he’d grabbed her, not trusting himself. He wanted her with every fiber of his being. He wanted her so desperately, it took everything he had not to pull her into his arms right now. “It isn’t that simple, Janet.”
“Why not?”
The hurt in her voice nearly broke him. He knew there would be tears in her eyes if he looked, so instead he dragged his fingers through his hair and paced a few steps before the iron brazier. “It just isn’t.”
“But I love you.”
His feet stopped. His heart stopped. Everything seemed to stop. It took a few moments for the words to sink in. For one instant he felt a burst of something akin to pure happiness—happiness like he’d never experienced before. But then it was tamped down under the bitter weight of duty and loyalty. People were counting on him, damn it. She belonged to another man.
He wasn’t going to be like his father, even if it bloody killed him. He would not do this.Discipline.
He turned and forced himself to look at her, every muscle in his body drawn as tight as a bow. His jaw was clenched, his fists were tight, and the pain in his chest doused whatever he’d been feeling in his leg.
She stared at him with round eyes, looking more vulnerable than he’d ever seen her. “Aren’t you going to say something?”
“What would you like me to say?” He hadn’t meant it to sound as harsh as it did, but he’d never been good with words. He’d never been good with any of this. As the mess he’d made of everything proved.
She flinched, her fingers turning white as she squeezed the plaid tighter. “I thought.…” She stopped, choking on a silent sob. “I thought you might feel the same way. But I can see I was wrong.” The first tears slid from her eyes, each one a lance of pain through his heart. “I should not have bothered you. I’m s-sorry.”
He could barely hear the last word through the tiny sob. He could see her shoulders shaking as she turned to leave.
He couldn’t do this. He couldn’t let her leave like this. “Janet, wait.”
And that’s when he made his mistake. He reached for her.
Janet was too hurt to be humiliated, although she was sure that would come later. Heaven’s Gates, she’d practically asked him to marry her! She’d given him her heart, and he hadn’t wanted it. Her chest felt as if it had been crushed by an enormous boulder—or ground under a heavy boot.
She couldn’t breathe—didn’t dare breathe—for fear the hot rush of emotion constricting her throat and chest would pour out in a flood of torrential sobs.
Do you ever hear the word ‘no’?
