Instinct, not strategy, propelled me forward. But I had no destination in mind. No location came to me. I only knew that I couldn’t be there. I couldn’t let my daughter be there in that man’s home.
All that I could react to was the need to get out before he came back. That was why Maisie and I walked along the sidewalk now, on this cold night in the city, without much to rely on. I’d told her that we were going for a walk, enticing her to cooperate by saying it was a surprise. The change of planswasa surprise. Instead of her being in her “big girl” bed and sleeping, she was out here with me. I’d stashed a few things in the biggest tote bag I could find and hurried out of there with her.
I didn’t even have any money on me, no longer needing it with Sergei providing for us. I left my phone behind, not wanting Sergei or any of his men to track me. Leaving the way I had was an impulsive choice, but I couldn’t see any other alternative.
“Mommy?” Her teeny fingers squeezed my hand. “Mommy, where are we going?”
Her petulant tone was shifting into something more of a worry.
I don’t know.
I don’t know what I’m doing.
I don’t know where we can go.
I had become so reliant on Sergei that I had stopped thinking about where I could go and stay. All I was confident about was that I couldn’t be in his penthouse and pretend to be happy whileknowing my husband’s murderer was there, wanting to care for me.
“Are we going to see Daria?” Maisie guessed.
The idea had crossed my mind, but it was too risky to go to Maisie’s former babysitter. We couldn’t go visit her because that would take us back to the building we once lived in. The apartment was off-limits now because of those men tracking us there. I couldn’t take the chance of bringing danger to Daira, too.
I felt like ten kinds of a fool to have ever believed Sergei. I felt like a colossal idiot to have exposed my daughter to his dangerous world. I wouldn’t be able to forgive myself if I contaminated Daria’s life with him either.
“I thought about visiting her,” I told Maisie. It was a lousy reply. It was a non-answer. I truthfully had thought about visiting the sweet young woman, but I couldn’t tell my daughter a yes or no now. We didn’t have anywhere to go where I could have faith that we’d be safe again.
“Mommy, why can’t we just go home?”
I closed my eyes briefly and cringed, holding on to her hand.
Home?
Where is home?
The last time I had a sense of beinghomewas when her father was alive. Back when Fitz and Maisie and I were a family of three, there were no questions about danger or trust. The freedom to count on a man felt like a pipedream.
Because I had trusted Sergei with my daughter’s life. With my body as he taught me how to love again.
Shame mixed with guilt. Anger coated frustration. All these emotions swirled in a chaotic combination that I had no time to address now. Right now, I had to put distance between me and my daughter and Sergei.
What mattered right now as I clung to my daughter’s hand was that I resisted this cluelessness of fleeing and concentrated on getting and staying away from all the wicked evil Sergei represented.
What did you expect?
The first second you realized he was with the Mafia, you should’ve left.
It was all my fault for caving and wanting him. It was my mistake to use the safety he gave us as an excuse to overlook the kind of man he was.
Now I knew.
He was a murderer.
He was the murderer of my husband.
“I want to go home to Mister Sergei,” Maisie whined.
My heart cracked and ached at her sad voice. But my head hurt more at how confused she was.
It’s my fault you’re attached to him.
