The cigarettes and drugs were killing her slowly, but despite everything she had put me through, I still loved her.
Even now.
I always blamed the drugs for the way she treated me. It was easier than accepting the possibility that my mother just didn’t know how to love me.
Since I was sixteen, I had been paying her bills. I was the child. But somehow I became the parent.
“So you rich now?” she snapped, completely ignoring the advice I given. “You can hire a nurse but I can’t live with you?”
“Momma… that’s not happening,” I said firmly. “You’re too toxic for me. I can’t deal with that every day.” I sighed then decided to really speak my damn mind. She needed me, it wasn’t the other way around.
“Emotionally, physically, and verbally you’re abusive as fuck and I came along way from where I was months ago. I can’t allow you into my sacred space with your dark energy, ruining things for me.” I said without a second thought.
I wasn’t that scared little girl anymore. Her coughing returned, heavier this time. Then her voice came back sharp and cruel.
“Look, you fat ungrateful bitch! You get down here by next week or I’m giving Shadonna that salon address she got from stalking your social media!”
My heart dropped.
“Maybe I’ll give it to Glen,” she continued. “Or maybe I’ll just fly out there myself.”
My stomach twisted violently.
“I’m not about to die from cancer while my pig ass daughter lives the good life! I’ll see you next week.”
The line went dead.
I sat frozen in my car. My stomach churned, my mouth went dry. I knew I couldn’t run from my past forever, but I tried my hardest to keep it out of my future and present.
When she mentioned Troy being dead and King possibly being involved, I knew I couldn’t call him and start asking questions about things that didn’t concern me.
And even though Glen had hurt me deeply… I still didn’t want anything bad happening to him. Taking a slow breath, I made a decision.
I would go back to Mississippi alone next week. Just for a few days. I’d tell the girls at the salon I was taking a mini vacation. I’d check on my mother, stay in a hotel, and keep a low profile then once I made sure she was good, I’d high tail it back to Cali.
I quickly called her back, silently praying that she didn’t open her mouth to Shadonna nor Glen.
“What now, Layloni?” .
“I’ll come next week,” I said quietly. “I’ll bring you money and make sure you’re comfortable.”
She was silent for a second.
“Just keep my secret,” I added carefully. “Glen might think I had something to do with his uncle and?—”
“Yeah, yeah,” she interrupted. “Just bring me some money.”
I swallowed my frustration.
“Okay Mom. See you in a week.”
When I hung up, I felt slightly better. Still uneasy, but better. My heart cracked all over again thinking about the painful fact of possibly being black mailed by my own mother. The ugly truth was that I loved her more than she did me. I cared about her wellbeing and didn’t want to see her fucked up while she would turn on me at the drop of a dollar… maybe even a penny.
On the way home, I turned on Pandora and let 90’s R&B fill the car. The familiar melodies wrapped around my nerves, slowly calming the storm inside me.
Tonight, I had plans with Monty.
I wanted to drink, dance, and forget about everything for a few hours. Next week would come soon enough.
