I got lost in his hazel eyes for a brief moment, shaking my head disappointedly. I wanted to believe that I had done some kind of wrong. That way, I could understand why he played me so bad. But I knew I didn’t do anything but be young, dumb and super naïve. If it was true, King hadn’t done nothing to me that I wasn’t already used too. My mom used me and so did Glen, even Shadonna. I was really used all the way up.
“Glen, I want you to know I ain’t fuck King… I don’t even know the man. I never fucked any other nigga but you… never loved any other man but you… you broke my spirit, made me feel low as fuck. I don’t even know how to fix myself, but I know I will someday… it won’t be with you, though. I can’t do this shit no more. The abuse, the women, I can’t love you anymore Glen.”
My voice broke, and I swallowed down the huge lump that rose in my throat from struggling with holding my emotions together in front of the only man I ever had deep feelings for.
“I will never let you go Layloni, so hold that bullshit ass speech.” He dropped a single tear as he looked me in my eyes. “A nigga willing and ready to confess all the fucked-up shit I’ve ever done, if that means you would give me another shot at us. I’ve done some foul shit because you know I’m fucked up from losing my dad… and these bitches come with the streets and getting this money. You the only woman I have ever loved ma, so it might sound sick, but I need you, baby. I can’t let you go. Losing you would be like losing a big part of me. I would feel dead insideLay. Shit, I’ll go get help, I’ll go seek counseling for my anger and the foul shit I have done… I just can’t lose you,” he pleaded.
The tears that dropped showed me how desperate he was. It made me even more sad because I knew I was not going to forgive him. I also knew he desperately needed help, but I was done trying to build and fix a man that refused my love and help. I was tired of being his scapegoat, as well as my mother’s. It was time for me to finally live and find myself so I could know what it was like to fall in love with me. I slowly shook my head no. In a second I saw anger flicker in his eyes again. The anger he just couldn’t seem to keep at bay whenever he wouldn’t get his way.
“Since you so focused on leaving me, make sure you leave your rat ass so called best friend too!” he yelled with all his might, as my stomach tightened.
“This don’t have shit to do with Shadonna and you being jealous of me and her friendship.” I snapped back.
He offered me a deranged look before licking his lips.
“You so damn slow and dumb Layloni! It’s pathetic! It’s so fucking sad how naïve you are, ma! I’ve been fucking that bitch since we were teens! You don’t see how much her last two kids look like me? Like I said ma, I’m willing to admit all my foul shit if you would try to give us another chance to prove that I’m really trying to right all my wrongs this time-”
Pow!
I shot him right in his leg, wishing it was his fucking heart. It felt like that’s where he had just shot me. I watched him howl in pain, as tears fell from his eyes and mine from his sick revelation. I picked up the stacks of money and stuffed them inside of my pockets and also inside of my bra. I felt like a robot; I was so consumed with pain, I couldn’t think straight.
“Layloni, you stealing from me now? Is that where we are?” he winced out in pain, as my heart kept pounding over and over.
“Yea, that’s where we are Glen… stay the fuck away from me and have a good life. The next time, I promise I won’t miss.” I warned.
I walked right out the front door with his gun secured tight in my hands, preparing myself to deal with Shadonna. A woman I loved like a sister and would give my last to if I had it. When I hit the front porch, Shadonna sat there with a smile on her face. The betrayal I felt was so thick, I could barely congest it.
“I told them you ain’t kill the nigga… probably shot that light bright hoe, didn’t you?” she chuckled, as the boys looked on eagerly.
Nodding my head, I told them to go help their boss clean up as I made my way quickly to the car before I found myself in a gun fight with these little ass kids. Soon as we got inside the car, no words were said. I sat my chair back and pulled my phone out, trying to think of where I was going to have Shadonna take me. Clearly, it couldn’t be to my hotel suite because now, I couldn’t trust her. The best decision I made was for her to find a lowkey spot to park at where I would leave her ass high and dry after I revealed what I now knew.
Chapter 8
Layloni
Itold Shadonna I wanted to go out to get something to eat just to celebrate the money and balls I grew after confronting Glen. That was a lie. I had her driving out far to Glen’s warehouse. He thought I was so dumb, so naïve. What he failed to realize was that I was super in love with him and would do anything to make him happy.
Most women didn’t know how to play their part. I did not accuse Glen of shit because I really trusted his ass. I knew all about his illegal doings, but I never pressed him about it because I wanted no parts in it. If my crack head momma didn’t teach me nothing, one thing that stuck out to me was her saying a way to break a man was his pockets. That’s exactly what I had planned to fucking do. Hurt had a way of changing you for better or worse. I couldn’t decide what my hurt had turned me into yet.
Everyone I loved deeply had did me wrong, down to the woman who had the nerve to give birth to me. Life was teaching me a real valuable lesson. As the rain came down harder, my thoughts ran rampant. I did not have a plan. I was going along with whatever my hurt heart told me to do. Every time I thought of something to drastic, I back pedaled and told myself not to. I never went with my second mind, only my first when it came todecision making. One thing for sure, I was tired of being a weak bitch. Tired of trying to humble myself for people who didn’t give a damn about humbling themselves for me. Nobody ever went the extra mile for me, nobody ever even asked me how I felt. I was sick of people, period. I was done with the south too. I was burying this shit behind me.
“Bitch, it’s raining too fucking hard to drive any further. I’m gone have to pull the fuck over and let this shit slow down.”
Bitch?I thought as I looked over at her selfish, vindictive, trifling ass. I tried to hide the disgust in my eyes. I knew I was playing a role. But that role and the old me was done with.
“Just pull over Shadonna, ain’t no point of complaining.” This bitch really had kids by the man I was in love with for years. It made me so sick to my stomach. I opened the door up to throw up on the side of the road.
“With all this throwing up you doing, a person would still think you fucking pregnant.” She rolled her eyes as she dug in her purse for a cigarette that I had a strong urge to hit.
“Give me one.” I was mentally counting all the stacks I took. It had to be about fifty thousand. We still were about thirty minutes from the warehouse, and I still did not know what I was going to do with Shadonna.
“Sha Sha… do you love me?” I looked at her while intently coughing a bit from the strong hit I took of the Newport.
“Bitch, I barely love my kids, don’t get all dike on me because you in your fucking feelings.” She spat out coldly.
“You should love your kids since their daddies don’t,” I said softly.
Realization hit me hard. Shadonna had deeper issues than me. Mental problems, issues that a doctor probably couldn’t fix for her because she was in too much denial. I was not that person anymore to make excuses for people. Why they did the things they did? Why they couldn’t create standards and morals forthemselves, even though life sometimes got the best of all of us. I was understanding to it, but I refused to make excuses anymore.
