“She’s dope.” This nigga was blushing. He was excited about her. His voice quickened as he started to ramble. “Like… really dope. Our vibe is so natural, it’s scary. We get along like we’ve known each other for years, like we’ve been on the same wavelength the whole time. It don’t feel forced.” He caught himself mid-sentence and paused. “You good?”
I forced a smile. “I will be.”
Then he started to look sorry for me. “You sure?”
I made my smile grow wider, despite feeling the ache in my heart. “I’m happy for you.”
He studied my face, then nodded. “Yeah. Anyway.” He cleared his throat over the tension we were trying to ignore. Then, lucky for both of us, his phone rang. “This is business,” he told me as he looked at the name flashing on the screen. “I gotta take this.”
I shooed him away, and he stepped out of the kitchen. The moment I was alone, the smile fell.
I let the tears come quietly, pressing my lips together so no whimpers slipped out.
I knew Sincere and I couldn’t be together. And I really was happy for him. He deserved the world after what Tempo had done to him. But I wanted my own version of that. I wanted my own happiness.
I wasn’t jealous. I wasn’t mad. I just felt… empty. And the emptiness wasn’t only about him. It was about me. I didn’t know who I was anymore. School had been my thing. That had been my identity. When my father died, and even though the man turned out to be a sadistic motherfucker, losing him still ripped a hole in my life. It took away whatever direction I thought I had. Now my identity felt like it belonged to everyone else. I was Zahra’s little sister. I was being protected in Zahra’s big house with Zahra’s rich husband, surrounded by security. Everybody meant well, but it still felt like I was living inside somebody else’s life.
And men didn’t even try because I was “Saint’s little sister.” That title came with assumptions, fear, and rules I didn’t make. Most men stayed away because they were scared. The ones who did approach me wanted clout. Nobody ever just wanted me.
Meanwhile, everybody around me had marriage, children, careers, and purpose. Being in rooms full of people who were growing and building constantly reminded me of how stalled my own life felt. I was grateful. I was safe. I was loved. But I was stuck.
I wanted my own life back. I needed more than being protected. I needed more than being somebody’s little sister.
I needed something that was mine.
13
SINCERE BELLAMY
“Jamir, I need you to do something for me,” I said as soon as he answered, while easing through traffic.
“What’s up?”
“Reek overheard Langford say Kai might be getting backed by dirty money. I need you to dig into that. Quietly. Follow the money. See who’s behind him and why.”
“I’m on it.”
We hung up, and I tossed the phone onto the passenger seat. My focus shifted immediately, like my body knew where I was headed. I was already running late in my head because Rhythm’s mother had the kids tonight, and I wanted all the time I could get with her.
The obsession with her had intensified this past week. I’d never felt this natural with a woman. Not even Tempo. With Rhythm, my soul felt relaxed. I felt settled in a way I never had before, like something in me finally unclenched. She’d already shown me what deep and impossible-to-ignore hunger felt like. I wanted her mind first, because I knew once I got in there, her body would follow without me even asking. And when shetouched me, it wasn’t just pleasure. It was the kind of feeling that stole my breath and revived me at the same time.
Because I had given her my ETA, when I pulled up in front of her place, she stepped outside. That’s when I knew she was it for me. Watching her walk toward my car did something dramatic to my heartbeat. I knew right then I was head over heels.
She slid into the passenger seat, smiling, as she greeted me with a kiss. “Hey you.”
I chuckled, shaking my head, and she looked at me, confused, as I said, “Yeah, you it, Mama.”
She blushed as I pulled off. My hand found her thigh immediately. She rested her palm over mine like it belonged there, and we settled into our usual deep convos. Our conversation was always easy and layered as we talked for hours after her kids went to bed.
“You ever think about having more kids?” I asked.
She looked at me, tilting her head dramatically. “Where did that come from?”
“Just curious. I told you, I don’t do anything random. I don't have any kids, so I’m just wondering where your head is at with that.”
“I honestly haven’t thought about it. I knew that I didn’t want to have more kids with my children’s father, so it hasn’t been anything that I considered, since I knew I would be raising my kids alone soon.”
“What if you weren’t alone?” With her eyebrows knitted together, she turned toward me. So, I reiterated. “What if you were married?”
