He wasn’t ever supposed toknowit existed!
“Why are there teeth marks in this bar of soap?” J.T. cautiously questions, bare ass bracing against the edge of the sink.
I don’t answer.
I can’t.
Iphysicallycan’t.
And sadly, him having discovered it just makes me want the object he’s clutching in my mouth even more.
“Did you…” his face twitches in continued disbelief, “nibble on this?”
My mouth cracks open, only to snap closed again.
No.
This isn’t happening.
This isn’t something we’re doing.
This isn’t a situation I’ve rehearsed or studied or even considered getting into.
“Let’s just shower,” I uncomfortably brush off. “You know before we’re even later to lunch.”
“Brunch,” he corrects without missing a beat, “and no.” J.T. carefully places the white item down on the counter as well as the towels and reaches out for my hand. Despite my flinching away, he manages to capture my fingers and pull me closer. Wrap the other set around my free hand to lovingly grip them too. “Talk to me.” The warm squeeze given threatens to bring tears to my eyes. “Tell me what’s going on.”
“I…” is accompanied by a shameful headshake. “I can’t.”
“You can,” my fake – now feelingtooreal – boyfriend encourages. “Talk to me, Beloved.” His face moves to maintain the eye contact I’m trying to break. “You can trust me.” He lifts one hand to drop a kiss on the back of it. “You can trust me with anything. You don’t have to carry your burdens alone.”
Resolve begins to waver.
“Please, talk to me,” J.T. begs once more. “I promise I won’t judge.”
Oddly enough…I believe him.
“I have an eating disorder,” escapes past my parted lips barely above a whisper.
He simply stares.
Waits.
Strokes my fingers to encourage me to say more.
“I compulsively consume…anon-fooditem as a coping mechanism to deal with stress, anxiety, and sometimes bits of depression.”
Disgust doesn’t appear in his expression.
Just additional befuddlement.
“It started when I was a kid. I honestly didn’t even realize it was happening at first. I’d be in the shower, thinking about school or practice or competition and next thing I know I’ve munched away an entire corner of a bar of soap. I – of course – tried to hide it or play it off as if it broke during use, but eventually, Gammie caught on. Thought it would be enough to just swap out bar soap for liquid.”
“It wasn’t.”
Another headshake is given. “I’d just buy a bar at the corner store. Keep it in my backpack or cheer bag.” Desire to end the conversation tumbles through my veins; however, another reassuring squeeze convinces me to push forward. “During one of my routine dental checkups, the dentist noticed. There was damage to my teeth from the amount of vomiting eating too much soap caused as well as from the gnawing itself. That revelation led Gammie to take me to the doctor where I was diagnosed with Pica.” His eyes keep mine from bolting under the confession. “I went to counseling and worked with a nutritionist to get the condition under control, but I was never ‘cured’. I simply got better about noticing the signs and triggers and countering them. And Irarelydo it anymore,” I hastily spew alongside a third headshake, “it’s just that…with retirement…and not knowing where I’m gonna work next…and wanting tohear from my dream job while accepting I’m likely going to have to settle for less…and then having my ex invading my vacation…I found myself relying on old habits.” An uncomfortably long lull passes prior to me whispering out, “I’ve never told anyone about my condition.”
“Not even Jer?”
