“What if I want more?”
“I don’t think I can trust you. Not like that.” Opening the door, I call out, “Bernie, it’s time to go, baby.”
Bernie steps out covered in cat hair with a big smile on her face. “They love me!”
“Yes, they do!” I say and giggle. “How about we change, and then we go get something for dinner?”
Her eyes widen as she bounces on her toes. “We’re going out to eat?”
Is my cooking that bad? “I think we deserve it, don’t you?”
“I’ll go change right now!”
She races across the street, and I finally feel like I can breathe. My happy girl is back. I know we’ll struggle, and tonight will probably be a bit of a challenge, but she’s still my girl.
“Thank you again, Zep. I’ll see you around.”
I walk to my house, and I will him to call out to me. Shout my name and beg me for one more chance. Give me a reason to turn around and find him still there. But he doesn’t.
It’s over.
So why do I feel even more devastated than relieved?
Chapter Thirty-Seven
Zeppelin
Sitting in the bar, I try to figure out what the hell I’m going to do. Misty doesn’t want to hear the explanation of what happened, and I can’t really blame her.
“Why did I do that?” I mutter and drink from the beer in front of me.
“How are you holding up?” Lainey asks, taking a seat next to me.
I sigh and stare at the bottle in my hands. “I’m not.”
“Look, I didn’t get to know Misty that well, but it’s obvious she likes you. More than likes you. She’ll come around.”
“I kissed Chanel,” I say. “And she saw it.”
It’s her turn to sigh. “What is wrong with you?”
Laughing, I shake my head. “It’s been one big fuckup from the very start. Misty’s everything I want and more. She’s perfect. I wish I could blame it on what I found out about Mama and Butch, but that’s bullshit. We all know it’s bullshit.”
“So you still love Chanel?”
“I always will,” I say. “There’s a part of me she’ll always have. But I don’t want her anymore. I don’t imagine her when I thinkof my future. And if I never see her again, I’ll be more than okay. I’ll be fucking happy.”
“Then why’d you kiss her?”
Turning to her, I rest my arm on the bar top and shake my head. “Because I thought I owed her that. That we both needed the closure. She knew what she was doing.”
“She always does,” Lainey says. “Zep, Chanel has never been good for you. She got you into more trouble than you got yourself into because you were ride or die for her. And she’s an up-and-leave-you girl. You were never going to be the one she ended up with.”
“Well, that would’ve been helpful to know years ago.”
“You wouldn’t have listened to any of us. Chanel loves drama. You fed into it. There was nothing she could do that would turn you against her, and she knew it. She fed on it, and she got everything she wanted.”
Jesus. She’s right. Everything in our past has been fucked up. I thought it was passionate, but it wasn’t. It was toxic.
