***
Maggie wrapped up her last exam of the day, eager to be finished. It was only Monday, but she felt a glass of wine and a hot bath in her future. She coaxed Snuggles back into his cat carrier and hauled him out to the front of the store. His owner had dropped him off with the promise she’d be back in an hour for him. He could wait behind the counter for the next five minutes.
Stephanie was talking to someone at the counter. “Sure, we can have the doctor take a look.”
A tall, dark-haired man stood next to the counter holding a large birdcage covered in black. He looked anxious and was nervously shifting from foot to foot. “Oh, there she is. Maybe she’ll have time to check him out now,” Stephanie said.
The man didn’t even look up before doing an about-face and running out the door—without his bird.
“What the hell?” Stephanie watched incredulously as the man hightailed it down the street, coat flapping behind him. She got up to go after him but quickly sat back down, rubbing her ankle and cursing.
“What was that all about?” Maggie set the cat carrier on the floor behind the counter and peeked under the birdcage cover.
“I’m pretty sure that asshole just dumped his bird on us. What a douchebag!”
The store was empty, so Maggie didn’t worry about Steph’s language. She removed the cage cover to reveal a beautiful, multicolored parrot.
“Wow, he’s gorgeous. Hey there, big guy.” She leaned in.
The parrot opened its eyes. “Fuck me, yes, fuck me!” It was a woman’s voice, but neither Steph’s nor Maggie’s.
“Oh my God, yes, yes! Harder!” the parrot panted.
Maggie and Steph looked at each other with identical expressions of horror, then Steph burst out laughing.
“Polly has a potty mouth,” she choked out.
“Holy crap. We’ve got to cover that thing before someone comes in here.” She rushed to situate the cover, grabbed the cage, and made it to the back right as the bells on the front door rang to announce a customer.
Great, just what she needed. A pornographic parrot. After verifying there was food in the cage and adding a little water to the dish, she set it on a spare chair in her office, turned out the light, and left it. It would be fine for now.
She returned a second later, turned on the radio, and found a station that was broadcasting the Knicks game. Perhaps it could pick up some new phrases. Better sports talk than dirty talk.
By Thursday, she’d had enough. She had to fix this. The bird’s owner had either been a porn producer or an exceptionally sex-crazed couple that did nothing but “it.”
After sitting through a steady litany of profanity-laced sex talk most of the day, Maggie was eager to call it a week. She dedicated Thursdays to catching up on patient charts and business matters so she would have the option to take Fridays off, which she did frequently.
“That parrot is a piece of work,” she complained. “What are we going to do with it? You’re young and hip. Maybe one of your guy friends would get a kick out of it?”
Stephanie looked sympathetic. “Well, I can ask around, but don’t hold your breath. He’s funny at first, but I don’t see anyone wanting him long term.”
“I gave him a checkup. He’s nice and healthy, and heislearning a few new things. Now he yells ‘shut your filthy mouth’ in my voice and sounds just like me,” Maggie said. “Maybe he just needs more time listening to NPR.”
“Sounds like someone had an awesome sex life, though, right?” Steph sounded a tad bit jealous.
“Yeah. If I owned a parrot, all it would say is meow.”
Stephanie laughed out loud. “You aren’t quite cat lady material yet. In fact, Boxer’s dad seems interested in you. Heasked about you when he picked up Boxer last week.”
“You didn’t mention ‘the incident,’ did you?” The incident was what they’d taken to calling her experience with Mitch and Adam the week before.
“No, but you should. He’d probably feel bad enough to take you to dinner…or something.” She waggled her eyebrows up and down in case Maggie didn’t catch on to what the “or something” meant.
“Yeah, some ‘or something’ is sounding pretty good right about now.” The sex drought had gone on long enough. She needed a man.
“Polly got you all hot and bothered?”
They both laughed.
