"Surrender how?"
"To let you take control completely. To trust you enough to be vulnerable in ways that scare me."
His thumb brushes across my lower lip. "What scares you about it?"
"That I'll like it too much. That once I experience it, I won’t want to stop. I’m scared if I let go, I won't want to take control back."
"And that would be bad because...?" He looks at me and I ponder why it’s a bad thing.
"Because society says women should be strong and independent and in charge of their own lives."
"You are strong and independent, Lily. Choosing to submit doesn't change that. If anything, it takes more strength to be vulnerable than to keep your walls up. I’d love you to get to a point where you trust me enough to submit as my little girl."
I know he's right. Logically,I know. But there's still this voice in my head that says wanting this makes me weak.
"What if we practiced?" Ethan suggests, studying my face.
"Practiced what?"
"Exploring the dynamic in a controlled way. I could show you what it might look like. How it might feel. With clear boundaries and the understanding that you can stop anytime."
My pulse quickens. "Like a scene?"
"Exactly like a scene. We'd establish parameters. Use safe words. Walk through it together so you can see if this is really what you want."
"What would we do?"
His hand slides into my hair, gentle but firm. "That depends on what you need. But I've noticed some things about you, sweetheart. Things I would love to help you change if you’d let me."
"What?" Oh gosh. What did I do? I don’t pick my nose or curse like a sailor or anything. I’m suddenly feeling very self-conscious. Does he want to fix me? Change me? Fear curdles in my stomach.
"You push yourself too hard. Sometimes, you forget to eat, and you stay up too late working. During our conversations, you’ve admitted to working as a driver and shopper during the day and staying up all hours doing your virtual college and design work. You apologize for things that aren't your fault. I’ve lost track of the number of times I’ve heard you say I’m sorry this week." His eyes hold mine. "You need someone to remind you to take care of yourself. To hold you accountable when you don't."
My breath catches. "Accountable how?"
"However we both agree on. But in the dynamic I'm drawn to, consequences are an important part of the care structure. I plan on spoiling you double the amount I punish you, or even triple, but it is definitely part of the dynamic I’m drawn to. Based on the books you are reading, I think you are, too."
"Consequences like...?" I might throw up. I’m having this conversation out loud with a real-life adult man. I’ve imagined this and fantasized over it, but I’ve never actually thought it would come to life.
"Like discipline. The kind that is administered with love and intention. It’s designed to help you course-correct behaviors that hurt you or hurt our relationship."
Oh God.
The word hangs between us.
Discipline.
My body responds before my brain catches up. Heat pooling low in my belly. Breath coming faster. Nipples tightening, pussy vibrating. I’m turned on. I’m really fucking turned on.
"You're interested," Ethan observes.
"Maybe."
"Lily." His voice drops into that commanding register. "Be honest with me, lying will always result in being punished. I don’t tolerate lies."
"Yes," I whisper. "I'm interested."
"Have you thought about it? What it would be like?"
