“We don’t have to do this,” I say.
“Do what?”
“Don’t use Alex and Rhonna, Sevro. Just don’t.”
He loses his enthusiasm, and Cassius makes his escape. I send him an apologetic grimace as he ducks back toward the cockpit. Sevro doesn’t look at all satisfied. He tosses his combat knife down and stares at nothing. “He risked his life for you,” I say.
“Yeah. But we didn’t get the Minotaur.”
“That meatstraw was a bad one. If he made it out—”
“He’s a cockroach, Darrow.” He grunts. “All this killing, man. We keep fighting. For what?” He coughs again and wipes his tattered mouth with a bony hand. “Least Orion took some of those Ash bastards with her. Went out proper. You should have let her drown the whole bloody planet. Maybe then the cockroaches wouldn’t keep coming back.”
“That wasn’t Eo’s dream,” I say. “And it isn’t mine. We’re no Ash Lords.”
“Naw. We’re Pixies. You had Atlas and you let him live. We had Lysander and we let him live. We had Apollonius and we let him live.” He snorts. “It’s like we want to lose.”
“We haven’t lost yet.”
“Orion. Harnassus. Alex. Rhonna. Daxo. We don’t know if Pax and Electra are safe. Not for certain. Maybe they’re dead. Maybe my girls are next. Maybe Victra. Maybe Virginia. Shit, we couldn’t beat the Core in ten years. Now it’s the Rim too.”
“Mars will be a hard nut for them to crack. I can break them there. I will.”
“Uh-huh.” He almost leaves it at that. “With going under the ecliptic plane Mars might not even be there by the time we get back. Ain’t gonna be a fast ride, will it? Gonna be a crawl. And they’ll be huntingus.”
“What do you want me to say, Sevro? I’ve been in the dark for eight months. You want me to say it’s all slagged? War’s lost? Our children are dead? I won’t. I can’t. We have people counting on us. My family. Your family. We don’t have the right to do anything except all we can do.”
He stares a hole in his food, lost in thought.
“She’ll have had the baby by now. Without me there. First time I wasn’t there for it. I was for the girls.” His eyes flick up. “What are you going to say to Virginia when you see her?”
“I don’t know. I’ll probably just listen. Like I should have done from the start.” He doesn’t respond, and I sense him drifting away. Closing up. “Sevro, there’s something I have to say to you. Something I told myself I’d say when I didn’t know if I’d ever see you again.” I take an unsteady breath. I’ve been too afraid he’ll spit on me to say it until now. “I’m sorry.” To my surprise, he doesn’t spit. So I continue. “When we left Luna to break out Apollonius, I promised you the end was near. I know you didn’t believe it. I made you choose between me and your family. For that, for taking you for granted, for not listening to you, for all of it, I’m sorry.”
There’s an uncomfortable pause. Sevro shrugs and goes back to eating. The lack of acknowledgment says more than anything else. Wounds may scab over, but they don’t always heal completely. I don’t know what else I can say, not without making him angry or cheapening it with bigger words and more excuses.
“When I got free of Apple, you know why I didn’t steal a ship and make for Mars myself?” he asks. Cassius and I were wondering. “I knew you’d come. You’re stupid like that. It’s why I love you. But, man…we ain’t good. We might never be good.”
“I know.”
“I know you do. But I can’t do this again. When we get back to Mars, I’m gonna be about my family. Only my family.” His eyes stare through me.
“I know.”
“I don’t think you do.” He breaks eye contact. “They did smell like bacon, Darrow. The Howlers. I lost them all. I don’t know where Pebble and Clown are. I don’t know if Lilath and…the Abomination still have them. He said he was going to erase me. Wash out my memories. Turn me into his trained dog. Wash out my family.” Sevro chews his bottom lip. “He didn’t, though. I dunno why. I hate that it’s his mercy that’s given me this second chance with Victra, my kids. But I need to take it.”
“I understand. If that’s what’s right for you. I understand.”
“But?”
“But nothing. You have a new baby to meet. You and Victra have four to take care of now. You chose to be a father. I will respect that.”
“Even if I have to get my family off Mars?” he asks.
I nod, even though it hurts. “Even if we lost this war, and I was dying, I’d smile if I knew you’d gotten out.”
He knows I mean it, and I feel like that, more than anything I’ve said, gives our friendship a chance. Still, I’m relieved when I see Aurae enter. It’s the first time I’ve ever seen her awkward, and the first time I’ve seen her enter a room without all of its occupants giving her at least a portion of their attention. “Am I interrupting?” she asks.
“Yes,” Sevro says down into his plate. His shell is back up.
