I almost did it.
I failed.
The dark grey material of his trousers showed the outline of his—
“Stella?” he prompted.
It was no good.
I was wet.
“Is there maybe a female therapist who could help me?” I asked, unable to meet his eyes.
“There is no one who matches my level of experience in my practice,” he replied evenly.
“Oh.”
Silence settled between us, thick but not rushed. I focused on a fixed point near his shoulder, refusing to look lower.
The beginning.
“I think I was five or six,” I began, my voice quieter now.“I don’t know if I was changing my clothes or getting out of the bath, but my mum had left me alone. Something made me pause. I was suddenly aware of my body, and not in an existential way. I didn’t understand then.”
The admission lingered in the air.
It felt strange saying it aloud. Lighter, somehow.
Who would understand?
I’d get called a freak.
“I remember touching my arms and shoulders,” I continued.“Not in a bad way. I can’t explain it. I was just aware.”
“Can I ask how you can narrow the age?” he said calmly.
“Hm. It was before we moved into our new house and I started my new primary school,” I said, sneaking a glance at him.“I never thought of it again until maybe my early teens.”
He wasn’t frowning. There was no disapproval in his expression. He simply listened, steady and composed.
“I’ve never told anyone this,” I murmured.
“And that’s okay,” he said softly.“We’ll figure this out together.”
With just a few words, the pressure that had been sitting heavily on my chest seemed to ease. Not completely, but enough to let me breathe a little deeper.
A few moments of comfortable silence followed. He didn’t interrupt it. He didn’t rush me forward. He simply waited.
“Then I discovered the internet and books. Umm. Then I guess I progressed to touching myself in my early teens. I was curious. By fourteen it became habitual.”
The confession felt stark once it was out in the open.
I kept my eyes trained on anything but him—the shelves along the wall, the edge of the rug, the faint pattern in the leather beneath my fingers. Anywhere else.
“Okay, let’s pause. Do you want some water?” he asked.
I shook my head.
“Take a deep breath.”
