“Hey, munchkin. Are you awake or still dozy?”
“Awake,” she says, grinning. “And hungry.”
“I’ll make some pancakes. Would you like a hot chocolate?”
She nods happily, and I cuddle her close to my chest, feeling an unbelievable wave of love pouring through me, so powerful it almost makes me waver on my feet.
When I woke up the next morning and found Rhys gone, I was surprised, but not shocked. Finding out I was pregnant did shatter me… but I just knew that I had to keep the baby. There was no other choice.
“Mommy?”
“Yes, baby?” I ask, pulling back to look into her big brown eyes.
Not as dark as mine. Not as pale as Rhys’s. More beautiful than both.
“Are you going to work today?” she asks carefully. At three years old, she has a limited vocabulary, but often manages to speak as if she’s older.
“No, sweetheart,” I answer, hugging her even tighter. “I have the whole day off, and I’m spending every second with you!”
Her face breaks into a massive smile, her gold-brown eyes lighting up as she lets out a short yelp of joy. Both of us giggle like fools, and it turns into a little play wrestle that ends with us on the floor.
“Okay, you,” I say, ruffling her hair as I sit up. “I’ve told you, it’s not fair to jump me like that. I’m an old woman, and you’re a tough kid.”
“You’re not old, Mommy!” Cassie laughs, reaching out to pat my cheeks.
“Hmm, thank you,” I reply. “Tell it to my knees.”
“Hey, knees.” Cassie scuttles back and slaps my leg. “You’re not old!”
The cuteness of the situation overwhelms me, and I cover my face with my hands, giggling so hard, my ribs hurt. Cassie giggles, too, crawling back up into my lap to wrap her arms around me again. I snuggle her for another couple of minutes before finally untangling us and getting up.
“I'd better start breakfast,” I say. “Did you want to watch cartoons while I get your hot chocolate?”
Cassie nods, grinning as she trots off towards the living room. I get started heating the milk, feeling unbelievably grateful to have this time with my daughter.
I work so hard so she can have everything she’ll ever need. I don’t want her to miss out on a single thing… but that means I miss out on being with her.
I’m on my way to the living room, looking forward to watching cartoons in my pajamas for a few hours, when I hear the doorbell ring. The bad feeling I had when I first woke up slams into me, like an icy cold tidal wave that leaves me breathless and shaking.
“Here you go, baby,” I say, putting the cup on the table for Cassie.
“You said you weren’t going to work?” Cassie asks, her eyes big and serious.
I give her a big smile and ruffle her pale gold hair. “I’m not, I promise. I might have forgotten to tell the babysitter that’s all. You just sit down, and I’ll be right back.”
As I leave the room, the anxiety rises until it feels like my veins are strung tight and my skin is aching with tension.
What is it? What the fuck could possibly be so bad that my body has to react like this?
There is a hard knock at the door now, as if the doorbell wasn’t enough. I reach out and touch the knob and almost jump away again—my instincts are screaming at me as if there is an inferno on the other side.
Once I open this door, there is no going back.
I don’t even know what that means, but I can’t take another moment of panic without even knowing what I’m afraid of, so I just grab the handle and fling the door open as fast as I can.
The light flashes across my eyes, momentarily blinding me. When my vision clears, I think I must have fallen into a particularly vivid memory.
Or it’s an actual hallucination. I’m finally cracking up.
