“Nick!” Her enthusiasm didn’t have an off switch. “They’re having a baked bean dinner in a couple of days. We are so going.”
I’m sure it was another charity event to raise money for flower beds or college scholarships. They were Firefly’s socialism cleverly hidden behind baked goods. Mum never attended, but she always supplied a dish for the event.
“Hurry,” she said. “They’re about to start another round.”
Her eyebrow crept up her forehead as she eyed me. I gave her a slight wave. “Evening, Lacie.” She had suspicion written all over her face. She vanished back inside.
“I should make sure she behaves.”
“I’m not sure there’s an army big enough for that.”
He chuckled. “Facts.”
He offered a sheepish grin and a wave before reaching the door. His face remained neutral, except for the corner of the upturned lip. I’d take the victory. We had shared a moment, and I hoped it did something to shake loose whatever plagued him. For a split second, I had forgotten about Boston, the parlor, or figuring out my place in the world. All I could think about was coconut.
When the door closed, the noise returned to a dull roar. I was left staring across the green. A quick trip for the gremlins would do me good. Alone with my thoughts in the wilds of Maine, perhaps I’d find the peace I craved. No people, no gossip, no boundaries, just me, a sleeping bag, and the cackle of a campfire.
Though as I licked my lips, I couldn’t hide the smirk. I wouldn’t object to a certain flatlander tagging along. Trading stories over the fire, feeling the freedom of insignificance as we watched the stars in the sky, it wouldn’t make for a bad excursion.
If only.
BRIEFS FOR SAFETY
“This is weird.”
How many nights had I lain in this bed with my headphones on while I stared at the glow-in-the-dark stars on the ceiling? Decades later, all but one remained in place, their glowing abilities all but gone. The posters had come down, as had the hundreds of tattoos I sketched. They had decluttered the room, but they left the stars as a reminder.
Mum had gone to bed hours ago, but the house still creaked and groaned as if it were wide awake. I lifted my head, reaching out to the sides of the bed. When was the last time I slept in a single? I almost laughed at the way my feet hung off the end. It seemed I still had a little growing to do after high school. On the first night of my return, I accidentally rolled over and wound up in a heap of blankets on the floor.
My hands ran along the quilt, wondering if this had been one of Mum's creations. I sat upright, and the bed groaned in reply. Shimmying to the side, I inspected the pattern. I hadn’t noticed it before, but the squares weren’t ornate swatches of fabric. It took a moment before—my old t-shirts. I recognized the superhero and band logos. In the middle, she highlighted the band t-shirt we wore during pep band.
“I wish you’d move.” The request came with guilt. I wanted her to move closer to me so I could help her out when necessary. At the same time, I knew it’d never happen. Out of respect for Pops or because of her roots, this wouldalwaysbe her home. Why couldn’t I accept that?
I slid off the bed, walking over to the desk stationed in front of the window. Taking a seat, my legs barely fit under the table. Once upon a time, I spent my nights pretending to do physics homework while I filled notebooks with sketches. Opening the top drawer, they had cleared out all but a few pencils. When I checked the three on the side, I found a neat stack of black-and-white checkered notebooks.
I pulled one out, flipping through the pages. In the shop, I inked plenty of grim reapers, demons, and horror icons, but never with the intensity of an insecure teenager. I had been angry at the world, or at least the tiny part I occupied. I had this idea of what Firefly wanted me to be, and I swore I’d never conform. Instead, I became the loudest version of myself. Not much had changed on that front.
Funny. Flipping through the pages, I was going through a similar situation again. Having put so much emphasis on the shop, the moment they pulled it out from under me, I felt lost. It made me realize I didn’t love Boston; I loved those four walls and the guys I worked beside. I didn’t like the idea of returning to Firefly… because it meant confronting what happened when I severed ties to the past.
Every time my thoughts wandered, “What if?” my heart ached. In a sweeping decision, I distanced myself from the two people who offered nothing but unwavering support. I wasn’t ready, not yet. I’m sure on the trail, I’d have to confront my demons.
For now, I returned to memory lane. “What else did they leave behind?”
Returning to the bed, I lifted the corner of the mattress. “What do we have here?” Tucked away in the center of the bed, it seemed neither of them had found my stash of porn. I chuckled as I looked at the magazines. In reality, they were swimsuit catalogues with men wearing little more than mesh thongs. I grabbed a copy before dropping the mattress. The pages remained crisp, but the staples had all but fallen out of the binding.
“Things have changed.” As I turned the pages, men with impressive bulges showed off their goods. Abs. Abs for miles. I remembered being fascinated that every cock pressed against the surface had a clear outline and that none of them matched my own. My tastes had evolved over the years. Abs were replaced by bellies covered in hair. My appreciation of cock, remained diversified.
I snorted when I found the last few pages stuck together.
“We’ll be destroying this evidence tomorrow.”
I stared down at my briefs. I only wore them for fear of Mum barging in first thing in the morning. The last thing I needed Mum to see was her son in bed with a tent pole. Or worse, cock awake before me. Briefs saved us all a little embarrassment. Though the more I stared, the more I could see the similarities in the magazine. To say I had pride in the outline might be an understatement. Unlike the pictures in the catalogue, no defined outline of the head. Poor cut guys.
Pulling back the quilt, I climbed into bed. I could either lie here and ponder my feelings, or I could?—
“I mean, if you’re determined.” Yes, me and my cock had conversations. He throbbed in response. I took that as an affirmative. I gave him a squeeze before reaching into my briefs and pulling him free. Unlike the finely chiseled men in the catalogue, the foreskin hid the lines along the head. Pulling itback, he popped out. Best of both worlds. I’d have to write a letter to their modeling department.
I couldn’t recall the last time I had touched my cock. Somebody else? Months, at least. There were plenty of opportunities for a quick fuck. My partner in crime and I required at least a little connection before we stripped. I couldn’t handle those awkward moments after coming and deciding if they needed to hit the road or spend the night. Dating had never been my strong suit, and even though the guys tried setting me up, I just hadn’t found somebody who struck my fancy.
