Food lodges in my throat, and I cough to clear it. “It’s fine. I’m used to it.” I reach for my glass of water.
Zac squeezes my thigh under the table and quicklychanges the subject, asking Jonathon a question that I barely hear, too caught up in my own head.
I have grandad’s seventieth birthday next month, and I’d love nothing more than to take Zac with me and show him where I grew up, but I can’t, and the realisation settles like a stone in my gut. This will only ever be one sided. I can’t share my world with him the way he can share his with me.
Somehow, I make it through the rest of dinner with tight smiles and polite conversation, but I don’t relax again until Zac and I are alone in the kitchen, stacking the dishwasher and cleaning up.
I’m wiping the bench when he places his hand on mine, and I lift my gaze to meet his.
“You didn’t tell me about your mum,” he says softly.
I shrug. “It’s not really something I think about. I don’t even know her.”
A flicker of emotion crosses his face. “I’m sorry.”
“Your family is really nice,” I say, changing the subject.
His lips curl into a smile. “They like you. Especially Milly. When did you learn to sign?”
“After I brought you home when you were sick. She taught me the basics when we were waiting for Jasper to pick me up, but then I went home and fell down a rabbit hole of videos.”
He glances over his shoulder to check we’re alone, then leans in and brushes his lips over mine. “Thank you.”
Unable to help myself, I tighten my fingers in his hair and deepen the kiss. He moans into my mouth, and my pants tighten around my groin.
The sound of a voice clearing has me shoving him away, a little harder than intended, causing him to stumble before he catches himself. My cheeks heat as I stare down at the ground, avoiding Zac’s dad.
“Don’t mind me,” he says, amusement clear in his voice. “I was just going to make a cup of tea for myself and Isabelle. Would you like one?”
Zac groans, muttering, “Read the room, Dad.”
Adam chuckles. “I’m not that old, son. I still remember the days when I couldn’t keep my hands off your mother.”
“Ugh, seriously?”
“I should go,” I mumble, rubbing the back of my neck.
“I’m sorry,” Adam says, his brow furrowing. “Please don’t leave on my account. It’s just good to see Zac found someone he clearly likes.”
“It’s fine.” It’s not. My father’s words swirl around my head, telling me there’s something wrong with me. “I have an early lecture in the morning. Thanks for having me. It was really nice to meet you.”
“It was nice to meet you, too, Noah. You’re welcome here anytime.”
I force a tight smile. “Thanks.”
Without another look at Zac or his dad, I hurry out of the kitchen and down the hall.
Zac catches up to me as I reach the front door.
“You don’t have to go,” he says softly, his warm body cocooning me from behind. “Dad isn’t bothered by what he saw in there, and he won’t say anything if I ask him not to.”
I exhale a heavy sigh, resting my head against the wood. “It’s not easy to erase all the hateful shit my dad spewed at me when he found out about me and Nathan.”
“I know.”
But he doesn’t. He can’t.
“It’s all up here.” I tap my temples. “No matter what I do, he’s in my head. Whenever I’m happy, I hear his voice, and I’m shoved back into the darkness. I’m so sick of feeling like I have no control over my life.”
