I’m torn whether to reach out to Jin and attempt to get through to him. Let him know we could still find some way past our issues. That he can even talk to me if he needs someone to confide in.
But the other part of me reminds myself how I’ve already tried. I spent weeks desperately pleading with him not to shut down on me or push me away. It’s not my place to force him to open up or get him to stop reverting to his old ways.
He has to want those things for himself.
Sang-cheol lets me go without stopping me.
I slip inside the small grocery mart, picking up a basket from the entrance and heading down the aisle with canned and boxed goods. Though I’m browsing as if nothing else is on my mind and I’m actually searching for a specific product, deep down I’m still distracted.
Jin’s still on my mind.
If the threat is from Jin’s childhood trauma, then that’s got to have opened up a whole other can of worms. It’s probably made him so conflicted about his tragic past and our recent loss?—
“Oh!” I yelp, staggering back half a step. I’ve turned away from the canned soups only to accidentally bump into another shopper strolling by. My abrupt apology turns into surprise as it dawns on me I recognize the person I’ve bumped into. “Mr. Noh? I didn’t see you. Sorry I stepped right into you.”
He shakes his head, chuckling lightly. “I believe it was a two-person accident. We both stepped into each other. I guess this is what my wife meant when she said I need to pay better attention.”
“Doing some grocery shopping?”
“I have a list,” he says, holding up the Post-it note. “My wife never sends me without it. We’re having Doenjang-jjigae—fermented soybean paste stew—for dinner. But with no soybean paste at home, you can imagine how that would be difficult. So here I am, picking some up.”
“Sort of the same. Except… um, dryer sheets.”
“Ah, I see.” His expression softens as the lines around his eyes crinkle, and he pauses for half a second. “I heard about what happened. My condolences to you and your fiancé.”
“Uh… thank you. It’s been difficult. But I’m managing.”
“If there’s anything I can do, please don’t hesitate to ask. You were such a bright presence at the academy. Everyone misses you.”
“I appreciate that.” I force a smile that probably looks as strained as it feels. “Really.”
We exchange a few more pleasantries before parting ways. Once in the next aisle, I grab the first box of dryer sheets my hand touches without even looking at the brand.
The entire way home my thoughts are more jumbled than they were before I left. I’m thrown off by having to deal with other people I know offering their sympathies and being forced to address my loss.
If I struggle in a one-on-one conversation with Mr. Noh, how will I manage if I did return to Suyeong Academy and had to face the rest of my colleagues? What about my students?
But most of all, I’m thinking about Jin all over again.
The threat Sang-cheol mentioned and how Jin’s explicitly instructed him to keep an eye on me, despite our breakup.
His childhood trauma and how that’s likely playing a factor in how he’s dealing with what we’ve been through today.
There’s still so much left unsaid. So many unanswered questions. Some of them I begin to wonder if I can answer myself…
I haven’t been to the apartment in Namcheon-dong since the day I moved out. It feels strange returning weeks later when Jin isn’t home.
My key still works. The place still looks the same. Yet as I unlock the door and step inside, I’m immediately encapsulated by the cool draft in the room.
The vibe in the air has changed, as if no warmth remains. It’s been stripped, leaving nothing but coldness in its wake.
I timed my visit for the middle of the afternoon aware that Jin’s likely busy with Baekho Pa business right now.
It’s best if we don’t run into each other; if he doesn’t even know I’m here.
Cutting across the living room, I slip into the room Jin uses as both a home office and gym. It’s modestly furnished, with only a plain desk and leather chair and then equipment like a treadmill and huge punching bag attached to a chain.
But it’s not his desk or treadmill that I’m interested in.
