“You had plenty of opportunities before,” I point out, crossing my arms like a shield. “You know, when Ilivedin South Korea.”
He’s turned for a curious appraisal of my apartment. His dark eyes rove over the compact space, sliding from the galley kitchen to the wide open floor plan of the living room and how I’ve decorated it. In some ways, I’ve replicated the style we had in our apartment—sleek and simple furnishings with neutral colors and then lots of plant life and homey touches like throw pillows and candles.
He seems to notice this too as his stare lingers on the wall shelf arranged almost exactly like ours was.
“Your apartment is nice,” he says.
“It’s a work in progress. But it’s kept me busy.” I search for something else to say, landing on the first thing that comes to mind then almost regretting it. “You look good. I mean… better than last time. You know, in the hospital?”
Real cool, Moni. Real smooth.
Jin nods. “It was hell recovering, but I’ve survived worse injuries. You… you also look… well.”
Our small talk peters off as we meet each other’s gaze again, and it occurs to me that I’m not the only nervous one.
For all his fearsome tattoos and sleek black clothes, his confident gait and composed disposition—Jin’s nervous too.
Incredibly so.
I realize this as he trails off, clearly uncertain what to say and how. Obviously wanting to tell me much more than he has.
“Jin,” I say, “what are you really doing here? You didn’t fly halfway around the world to stand in my living room and tell me I look well.”
He reaches up and rubs the back of his neck. Another telltale sign of his uncertainty.
It softens me to him. Makes me realize that, no matter how hard he tries, he’ll never completely shut himself off emotionally.
…maybe from others, but not from me.
“Because…” he says slowly. “I need to tell you things. Things… I should have told you a long time ago.”
“Jin—”
“Things that were on the tip of my tongue many times before, but I could never get them out.”
My right brow raises in curiosity, and I fold my arms again. “Like what?”
He draws a deep breath as though still battling how to word what’s on his mind. My heart constricts in response as I wonder if he ever can get there; if he ever can reach a place where he’s truly able to open up and give me what I need.
“People think,” he begins, then impatiently runs a hand through his hair. “They think I’m brave. Fearless. The great Silent Hunter who isn’t afraid of anything.” A bitter smile twists onto his lips as he holds my gaze. “But really? I’m acoward, Monroe. When it comes to being open, to being vulnerable and letting someone in—I’m a coward.”
“I’m not just someone, Jin. It’s me. The woman you said you love. Who you asked to marry. Who was pregnant with your son.”
“I know,” he answers, his voice growing huskier. Thickening with frustration. He starts pacing. “I know. I’ve agonized over it. I’ve spent entire nights awake, enraged with myself that I failed you and didn’t give you what you needed. Why was I like this? Why couldn’t I do it? Was I that broken?”
Yet another ache hits me, and I whisper, “I never thought you were… not to me.”
“But Iwas,” he replies. “I realized I wasn’t so fearless. Not as fearless as I pretended to be. Really, I was afraid to undo the wall I had put up as a boy. I couldn’t get past it because I had lived so many years closed off. It was the only way I knew how to be.”
“So what changed?” I ask. “Are you saying that’s not you anymore?”
He stops mid-step, his head turning for a look at me that evokes another flutter in my stomach. “You walked out that hospital door.”
I’m taken aback by the simple, blunt answer. The earnest gleam in his dark eyes. He steps closer, still leaving a gap between us, but making it feel as if the room itself is shrinking.
We’re being drawn together so naturally, like always.
“It made me realize I’d been afraid of the wrong thing,” he explains. “I thought I was afraid of being vulnerable. Of opening up and having someone see all my broken pieces and decide I wasn’t worth loving. But that’s not what I’m truly afraid of, Monroe. That was never really it.”
