Honest and vulnerable emotional intimacy that she deserves.
As I rage at myself for being so detached and closed off, so fundamentally damaged that it’s cost me the only woman I’ve ever loved, I blink and feel moisture in my eyes.
I lift a hand to my face and my fingers come awaywet.
For a moment, I don’t understand what I’m seeing. Then it hits me that I’ve teared up.
For the first time since I was a small boy neglected in an orphanage, I’ve been brought to tears.
I’m crying.
The thought of permanently losing Monroe brings me to such intense distress I’ve teared up. A crack has formed in the same wall I’ve struggled to knock down.
It’s the most profound realization I’ve come to since perhaps the moment I realized I was in love with her. It’s the mere possibility that I can pushthrough for her.
That the barriers and walls aren’t so immovable after all. That it’s what I must do because losing her can’t be an option.
…because I can’t survive without my rabbit.
28.Monroe
One Month Later…
June in Philadelphiabrings sunshine and warm temperatures before things truly heat up in July and August. The days gradually become longer as the sun sets later and people stay out more.
I’m one of those people as I turn down the familiar sidewalk toward my apartment building. When making the decision to move back to Philly, I decided on my old neighborhood. Just a few blocks down from Mom’s townhouse.
It’s strange how several years have passed, yet the area still feels the same. Though I guess it’s not too big of a surprise considering I grew up here.
I push open the main entrance to my building and pass by Ms. Lindberg from 5E, who’s out walking her yappy little Pomeranian. She smiles and makes an offhand comment about how things’ll be heating up soon. I offer the same kind of friendly smile and continue on my way to the elevator.
Before I returned to Philly, I wasn’t sure howeasy the transition would be. The practical aspects have been easier than even I thought. Things like apartment hunting and setting up utilities. Job hunting has been a job all on its own, but thankfully the Philadelphia school system seems to be desperate for teachers right now, which means I’ll probably have an offer sometime soon.
I’m not sure I’ll love it as much as I did teaching at Suyeong Academy, but those are times I’ll have to put behind me.
That can be said about a lot of aspects of my life as I make this transition.
My apartment is small, but I’ve settled in as much as I can after only a couple weeks. It’s a simple one bedroom with basic amenities and manageable rent. I’m mostly done unpacking and furnishing the place, though I still need to hit up IKEA to see if they have a desk that could work for the corner space in the living room.
Mom’s been instrumental in helping me settle in, usually my second opinion as I’ve tried to make my apartment a home. Most of my old friends from the area have either moved away themselves or gotten married and are too busy with their own lives.
Kelly and I still keep in touch, which honestly has been a lifeline on days I need someone more than Mom to chat with. She and Hyun-woo are still together, slowly recovering from the trauma they endured at Myeong-su’s hands.
She sent me a housewarming gift last week to celebrate my move: a set of wine glasses, a bottle of red, and a card that said “it’s wine o’clock somewhere” with a little hand-drawn clock where all the numbers had been replaced with tiny wine bottles.
It was so Kelly that I couldn’t help laughing and uncorking the bottle to have a glass.
I unlock my door and step inside, kicking off my sandalswith a sigh of relief due to my achy feet.
I probably won’t be going anywhere else for the rest of the day, which means comfy PJs, some TV, and the leftover Jamaican food in the fridge from the spot down the street.
Basically how I spend most nights lately.
I’m only a couple footsteps across the living room when there’s an abrupt knock at the door. My frown is automatic as I turn back, confused by who could be outside my door when I just came home barely two minutes ago.
Padding back over, I rise on tiptoe and peek through the peephole.
I’m not sure what I’m expecting to see on the other side, but what I do see almost makes my heart stop.
