He stared at the water, voice softer now. “It’s not… It’s not like I care if you two want to play house. You want to belong to him, that’s your business. But, Bo, I need to know you’re safe. I need to know this isn’t…” He trailed off.
“Isn’t what?” I said. My voice cracked on the last word, but I let it hang.
He raked a hand through his hair, short and already going gray at the sides. “Isn’t some bullshit you’re doing to keep from getting hurt again.”
I wanted to laugh. Or scream. Or maybe just curl up in the creek and let the cold eat me. Instead I swallowed, then said: “You think I’m letting him own me because I can’t do it myself?”
He turned and looked me dead in the eye. “You were never good at being small, Bodean. I don’t get how this fits.”
I rolled the collar between my thumb and finger, the leather warm from my skin. I didn’t answer for a while.
“You remember Westbrook,” I said, not a question.
His jaw went hard. “Yeah.”
“You remember what he did.”
“I do.”
I picked a stone from the mud, tossed it into the current, watched the ripple erase the foam. “He fucked me up, Knox. Not just with the fists, or the screaming, or all the head games. He made me feel like even the parts of me that were different were broken. Like I could never just be what I wanted, because what I wanted was wrong.”
Knox’s face didn’t move, but his hands flexed against his elbows.
I kept talking. I had to, or I’d never get it out. “I spent years thinking it was my fault. That if I’d just fought harder, or been louder, or more like you—”
“Hey.” The word was a punch. “Don’t you do that. Don’t you put this on yourself.”
I looked at him, really looked, and saw the pain there, the kind of pain only brothers can inflict on each other by accident. “I don’t. Not anymore. But after I left him, I didn’t know what I was supposed to be. I came home, and I saw you, and Harlow,and Ransom, and even Pa—men who never had to apologize for taking up space, who never needed someone else to tell them what to do. And I tried. I tried so fucking hard to be like that.”
He nodded, slowly.
“But it never fit,” I said. “It felt like I was walking around in boots two sizes too big. Every time I tried to be the one in charge, I screwed it up. And every time I let someone else lead, it felt… better. I liked it, Knox. I liked having someone who could keep up, who knew what I needed before I even asked. And it scared the shit out of me, because in this family, you’re supposed to be the one breaking wild horses, not the one wearing the halter.”
I waited for the punchline, for the mocking laugh or the “get the hell out of here, you’re not my brother” look. But it didn’t come.
He just stared at the water, like it could answer for me.
“You never told us,” he said, after a long time.
I kicked at a pile of dead leaves, the scent of rot and rain sharp in my nose. “I was afraid,” I said. “I thought if I admitted it, you’d see me as weak. Or worse, that you’d stop seeing me at all. Like I was just another screw-up to hide from the neighbors.”
His head whipped around. “You think that low of us?”
I shook my head, quick and rough. “No. Just… I think that low of myself, some days.”
He let out a sound, low and bitter. “You know what I see?” He jabbed a finger at me. “I see the only one of us who had the balls to leave. The only one who ever chased what he wanted, even when it went to hell. You think Ransom could’ve survived what you did? You think I could?”
I didn’t answer. He wasn’t looking for one.
He sighed, then sat forward, elbows on his knees. “You want to wear the collar? Fine. You want to let Moxley boss you around? Go for it. But promise me you’re doing it because it’s what you want—not because you think you have to.”
I nodded, hands finally still.
He let the sound of the creek fill the space between us. “Just so you know,” he said, “Newt’s the same way. You think he’s a pushover? Try arguing with him about what to have for dinner. You’ll be eating vegan stir-fry until you die.”
That made me laugh, real and sudden. “You serious?”
He cracked a grin. “Why do you think I’m losing weight? Bastard hides the jerky in his truck.”
