But would I be willing to risk everything to have her in my life? And if she knew what was really inside me, whatever that may be, would she still want me?
I had to tell her the truth. "I can't be what you need," I said, the words tasting like ash in my mouth. "Whatever you think I am, Luna. I'm not that. I can't pretend otherwise. Not even for you."
She came around to stand in front of me again, forcing me to look at her. "Maybe I don't need you to be anything other than who you are," she replied softly, a hint of defiance flashing in her eyes.
I stood there, frozen, as her words washed over me.
Mine.
The thought took root in my mind before I could stop it.
No. I clenched my jaw. This was dangerous territory I was wandering into. She couldn't mean it. Not after everything I'd done. Everything I'd do in the future. "And if I'm nothing but what you see in front of you?"
"I don't believe that."
"Then you're a fool."
And yet, the certainty in her eyes gave me pause. She wasn't afraid of me, not like she should be. Like any sane person would be. Luna looked at me like there was something worth saving underneath the horrific exterior.
And I almost believed her when she looked at me like that.
I raked a hand through my hair in frustration. I couldn't let my guard down. I couldn't let her in. My life didn't allow for softness or light. I lived in the darkness, and if I let her get too close, that darkness would swallow her whole.
"Tristan." Her voice was quiet, but insistent. Reluctantly, I met her gaze again. "It's okay to feel something real every once in a while. Even for someone like you."
I stared at her perfect face. "I don't know how." The words tore from my throat. "This is what I am, Luna. What I've always been."
She stepped closer, her hand coming up to touch my chest. I flinched before she could make contact, and her hand dropped back down to her side. She gave me a little smile of reassurance, but there was hurt in her eyes.
"Not what you've always been," she said. "You were forced to become what you are. Not born that way. And maybe you've forgotten what real emotions are, but they're still in there." Catching my eyes with hers, she forced me to see the truth on her face. "They're in there because I see them whenever you look at me. And I feel them in your kiss and in your touch. I feelyou, Tristan."
My breath caught in my throat. I wanted to argue, to tell her she was imagining things. It was only my body's physical need she felt. "Luna..." I whispered her name like a prayer, still unsure what I was even asking for. Permission? Absolution? For her to save me from myself?
Before I could overthink it, I took her face in my hands, my mouth finding hers in a desperate need to connect with her in a way I understood. She melted into me, her lips soft and pliant under mine. I kissed her deeply, hungrily, like I was dying of thirst and only she could sustain me.
When we finally broke apart, breathless, her eyes searched mine, looking for answers I couldn't give her. "I don't know what any of this means," I admitted.
"Neither do I." She sounded as surprised as I was.
I stood there, caught in the web of her stare and unable to look away. For once, I had no idea what to do next.
Luna reached up slowly, giving me time to pull away if I wanted. When I didn't, her fingertips came to rest lightly against my cheek, then her entire palm. I swallowed hard as every muscle in my body stiffened, but I leaned into her touch, allowing myself this tiny moment of vulnerability. Her skin was soft and warm and felt foreign against my clenched jaw. After only a few seconds, I pulled away, unable to bear it anymore.
She accepted my rejection this time without comment. "What do you want, Tristan?" she asked.
I frowned at the offhand question. "What do I want?"
"Forget everything else for a second. Your job. Your past. Gino. If you could have something just for you, what would it be?"
I searched her face, confused. No one had ever asked me such a question before. I'd always done what was expected of me, what was necessary. What I'd been created for. What I'd wanted had never mattered. But the answer, when it came, was simple. "You." The word was ripped from some deep, hidden part of me. But it was the truth. I wanted her in a way I'd never wanted anything.
"Do you want me locked in your cell?"
I cocked my head, wondering what she was getting at. It was the safest place for her. I thought of her living a free life like the one she'd had before she lost the bet to Gino, and a red haze covered my vision. In my mind, I saw her going back to work, taking off her clothes for other men, letting them touch her in the private room in the back. "You're not going back to the club."
As if she heard the thoughts racing through my head, she held her hands up, palms out in a placating gesture. "I'm not going anywhere. I'm right here."
My heart stuttered and then slowed.
