Every cell in my body is primed to give her any kind of comfort I can. Except, we can’t afford to be self-indulgent when other people need us more. “Drink the hot chocolate. I even gave you extra marshmallows. It will help.”
She nods her head and tries to smile, but her perception of failure is still darkening her eyes.
I lose the battle of wanting to get us back on track professionally, and I pull her in for a cuddle before I can stop myself. And while this isn’t about me, I feel my own tension lessening, one small touch at a time.
Until a voice in my thoughts mocks my age, my designation.
I hide my slipup, passing the hot chocolate back to her. “It’s okay.”
Tiana sips and stares down at her hands. I wrestle back control and start manifesting the shit out of my dreams, instead of listening to my nightmare.I’m good at what I do. I’m not held back by being a young Omega. I am doing what I want, the way I want.
Tiana’s own recovery regresses, and inadvertently, it stops mine. She gives me something to focus on again.
“He… he…” Her voice wobbles.
I don’t feel guilty or weak when I pull her in for another hug, whispering praise against her ear, meaning every word I say. “You did amazing. Honestly, you did everything by the book. There’s nothing different I would have done.”
She clutches my scrubs like a lifeline and slumps against me. I keep talking softly, knowing my words will eventually reach her. Words are healing when yielded from a place of kindness.
“You know I wouldn’t blow smoke up your ass. If I’m saying you did everything possible to save him, it means you did everything possible.”
I know what I’m saying registers. I feel it in the way her shoulders relax.
“And yeah, he died, which isn’t what we wanted, but it was the most likely outcome given his injuries.”
It’s vital she hears what I’m saying, because it’s the truth—plain and simple. Once the shock of his death burns out and the sense of failure subsides, she’ll see how she responded, and what she did to save the man, with more confidence.
Tiana takes another deep inhale before releasing a long, slow exhale through her mouth. Then she pushes herself free of my embrace. I give her a moment, staying next to her, doing exactly the same as she is—staring out the window, sipping on watery hot chocolate.
And while she doesn’t say anything, I know her thoughts are racing because I’ve been in her position. I know what it’s like to not be able to save someone's life. I’ll be in her position again. It goes with the job. She’s going to become an amazing doctor.
“I’m okay,” she says softly.
“You’re better than okay, Tiana, you are amazing.”
I emphasize each word because I mean what I say. She is a great junior doctor.
She turns around and faces me. “You’re supposed to be on your break.”
“I wanted to make sure you were okay. I can sleep standing up. You know this!” I tease. Another sweep of relief comes when she manages a real laugh.
“Yeah, well, we’re going to be busy enough without having to deal with you blocking the doorway or something.”
I grin. “Just put me on a cart or in the corner.”
Her eyes are still bloodshot and puffy, but she’s becoming more and more like herself.
“Quinn, no offense, but get out of here!” She shoves at me. It’s put on, but it’s better than tears.
And it is a reminder that support here is a two-way street. Which was one of the reasons I chose a small clinic in Colorado to practice medicine, as opposed to working in a huge hospital.
“Are you sure?”
The glare I get has me grimacing. And then it’s my turn to have tears in my eyes. My exhaustion is hitting hard, and fast. By the time I’m in one of the small rooms we use as a staff break space, I’m barely functioning. I’m in bed, snuggled under blankets that smell like fresh linen in under a minute, and I swear I’m asleep a minute later.
I wish I could say I feel great when I woke up, but I don’t. This time of year is always busy, made worse by the lunar cycle. For some reason I’ve yet to figure out, full moons always make people absolutely fucking crazy.
Taking a nice, long shower and using the small, scented soap I brought from home, I feel marginally better once done. Redressing in fresh scrubs is like taking a holiday in the Maldives. A slight exaggeration, but after working a double shift, it’s the small things that bring you comfort.
