Because of him, I never let myself properly experience being an Omega. Comfort came in small doses because I couldn’t afford to become a vessel full of softness and submission. Building a nest wasn’t something I had a lot of time for. I had people relying on me, so it was easier to simply not foster that side of me.
After everything I have endured and sacrificed, I’m horrified by how easy it feels for me to stop my crusade and give in to them completely. The thought of being a victim of mydesignation sends me reeling, torn in half, really. My reaction to a simple look and a bit of banter feels ominously like I’m losing who I am in my desperation forthem.
It really rattles me to my core. I am confident in who I am. I’m Quinn the doctor, the person tasked with being strong enough, stable enough, and determined enough to take down Victor Hernandez. But the waytheycan so effortlessly disarm me with just their scents, looks, and presence is intimidating and shocking.
A big part of all this is due to the life I’ve had to live. It’s rising up hard and fast, feeding the smallest doubt, twisting it until it’s so big it’s going to consume me and the entire situation. That’s the thing about trauma; it strikes as often on good days as it does during bad times. Sometimes when I look in the mirror, I don’t see a single mark or blemish of my past. I get a brief reprieve from them and start living differently until someone says something or does something, then all of a sudden, the scars inside me burn white hot. The pain drags me back to that time in my life. It steals my courage, my worth, and renders my success to nothing more than dust.
The flashbacks make me question everything, and I am overwhelmed by simple things. It festers doubt, it eats away my hope, it gets louder and louder until the only thing I can hear is,what if they don’t like who I am on the inside? What if they only like the Quinn I am now? What if I can never be a soft and meek Omega who makes beautiful nests for everyone to coo over? What if they abandon me when they find out the truth? What if Victor makes them believe him and not me? What if they get tired of all this?
The torrent of uncertainty and suspicions intensifies. My designation responds like nature intended, and I can scent my need for reassurance. It scares the shit out of me and makes me feel weak.
I sense them everywhere. Their presence holds me up; their scent is all I can breathe. Santiago guides me with a soft touch on my back.
“Keep your eyes closed, bebe. Just trust.”
It only takes a few steps and another set of hands on my hips turning me gently before a tug on my hand makes me sit down. Something soft settles over my shoulders, it smells like Kade. I know Santiago is sitting in front of me, Kade is on one side, Aleksei on the other.
“Talk to us, Quinny.”
I take a deep breath, searching for the right words.
“Or perhaps we go first?”
I nod my head, agreeing to Aleksei’s suggestion. And they all shuffle closer, six hands finding their place on my body. And goddamn it feels right, despite the voices in my head taunting me otherwise.
Except before he can say a word, I start. “I’ve never done anything like this, and I don’t know if what I’m feeling is true and right or if I’m imagining things. I feel powerless around you.”
Santiago leans in close, his scent invading my senses. “What if it’s not powerless but something else?”
“What do you mean?”
“Remember at the airport, there was so much static around us, it made me think a storm was coming. My storm was you. When we came together, it was as loud and blinding as being caught in a powerful, consuming storm. Something inside of us was becoming one again, which is overwhelming, but it’s right.”
“The static is a good analogy. From my perspective, it was as though a veil was lifted, and I could see the decisions I’d made, the life I’d led were made subconsciously in preparation for you.” Kade’s voice is full of conviction, even though his words are softly spoken. “Your presence was like a vice; your scent wasmy drug of choice. I thought I knew control, I thought I knew restraint, but you challenged all that in the first few words you spoke.”
Aleksei is using our bond to rush forth part of his explanation. He makes it feel like I have an avalanche happening inside me. “I was disciplined, set in a direction. The ground under me moved and hasn’t stopped. Yes, it feels like I am walking on clouds one moment and in white water the next, but then I feel you inside me, and I’m tethered on my way again. My path has so many freckles on her nose, I hope I never run out of time counting them. My path scents like the sweetest temptation, but she is not soft. She has a fortitude that makes me question how I will ever match her strength.”
They stir up everything inside me again. Being so open and honest, and articulating themselves so effortlessly but in their own ways.
“I don’t know who I am,” I admit, barely managing to say the awful truth.
Santiago squeezes my hand. “You are ours, Quinn. And if you’re like me, you’ve had to lock away parts of you to get here. But you’re here, and we will catch you every time you ask yourself who you are.”
My chest feels tight, and my throat is dry, but my fears keep on coming. “We’re happening so fast. Like, has a week passed since we’ve all come together?”
“I lost track of time the second I met you. But on what line time is it you ask about?” Aleksei says, and I finally open my eyes.
“Timeline,” Kade corrects. “I’m with Aleksei—who says we can’t be sure, and we can’t know right away? I’m going to run on my gut and trust what I feel here.” He presses his hand to my heart.
“Of course, the Beta speaks for all of us. For each of us, this is new, but I think we’ve each had to be very independent and driven, which isn’t going to change. Some days you’ll be lost in your designation, bebe, and I suspect that is where you’re worried most. You’re not losing yourself, and I assure you, we’re going to worship that side of you as much as we celebrate the woman you are. Does that make sense?”
I twist around to look at him. His amber eyes are dark and full of complex emotions. “I didn’t mean to drop this on you as soon as you got back. I got lost in your scent and responded to your presence.”
He smiles at me, his eyes like windows to his soul, and they’re open and he's showing me that everything I feel, he does too. “But what an important moment. This is how we learn about each other.”
His reference to learning makes sense. I’ve read countless articles and medical books about the phenomenon of what a healing and supportive pack can do, but to feel it for myself and to experience it firsthand puts the text to shame.
I suspect I’ll keep having these moments of vulnerability and rawness, and I’ll be freaking out whenever and wherever. But hell, if I’ve been able to best Victor for all this time, I’m sure I’ll survive exploring more of my Omega’s tenderness too.
