All I do is shrug as we enter the elevator.
“Well, at least let me take you for a drink?”
“Sure. I might need one later.” Or three. My body is going haywire because the pops of unrealistic secret thrill and possibility are playing a game inside me.
She pauses for a second and studies me. “Is everything else okay? You seem a little out if it.”
I don’t like lying to her, but I’m not ready to talk about my situation with Julian. I need to process it all myself.
“Yeah, it’s fine. I’m a little tired.” That’s an understatement. I’m a little sore, too.
She touches my arm for comfort. “Okay. Well, hopefully the coffee will kick in soon. Don’t forget to eat breakfast, too.” The elevator dings, and it’s her floor to get off.
“Yes, Mom.” I give her a little salute.
She leaves me, and the moment the doors close, I’m wide awake, my entire body spiking with adrenaline, and it only gets worse when I reach two floors up and I leave the elevator.
I’m met with quiet, except for the sound of someone printing something down the hall. One deep breath and straightening my shoulders, I walk to my desk with confidence, even if it’s all for show.
For a brief moment, my heart lifts when I spot a vase with flowers on my desk. Okay, I wasn’t expecting these, and I smile because he sent me flowers, that isn’t a bad sign. Suddenly, there’s more pep to my step. When I arrive at my desk, I set down my cup of coffee, and I pick up the card only to completely deflate. It’s only from a supplier, to get in Julian’s good graces, I’m sure. I toss the card to the side, and my bag slides down my arm that I set on my chair. Good luck to them, he hates flowers.
With a mix of disappointment and even a tad of anger, I abruptly pick up the vase and carry it to the staff room to leave them for others to enjoy because I sure as hell won’t. If they are placed anywhere near my desk, they will only goad me. It’s the flowers that trigger me, because suddenly, it’s clear to me how I will handle the day. I’m feeling things that I shouldn’t, and I will take the leap so Julian doesn’t have to. We can erase any memory of the weekend, even if I can’t.
I snatch up a blueberry bagel from the basket on the counter and skip cream cheese. I bite into it like an animal asmy entire mind and body prepare for the morning ahead, ready to defend my dignity.
Gobbling my bagel, I walk with a fast pace straight to my desk and flop the bagel down before wiping my hands and tousling my hair. Julian’s door is closed, and by the waft of his cologne trailing to his office, it makes me aware he arrived while I was re-aligning my mood.
One deep breath and I decide to get this over with. I stride straight to his office and don’t even bother knocking on the door, instead opening it with gusto.
His eyes instantly float up to see that it’s me. Our eyes connecting causes the clock to temporarily stop. The current message between us is recognition for what happened and that we have now been intimate, and that binds us in a different way.
He leans back in his chair and tosses his pen onto his desk. He opted to leave his top three buttons undone, and his eyes are sea blue today. It’s the sun reflecting through the window, I’m sure. He nearly has me in complete submission to the control that he exudes, because that’s all he knows.
But I don’t waver.
My eyes drop to the floor to ensure he doesn’t entrap me in the spell that he gives off. “Look, it is what it is. We don’t need to have a full-fledged conversation about the weekend. We’re professionals and that’s that.” My tone is simple yet to the point. I blink a few times when I realize that I should have more dominance right now.
He sighs. “Savannah.” My name is heavy when it leaves his lips, and I see the struggle on his face. “It’s… you… it’s—” He looks up at the ceiling as he formulates his thoughts and drops his attention straight to me as I stand in the middle of his office. “I don’t do romance. I don’t do relationships. I’mno good at either. We had fun, and it probably shouldn’t happen again.”
Hearing him say it, even if anticipated, still stings. Sure, some people can sleep with someone and leave it at that. But sleeping with someone when there is a stronger connection, an unimaginable magnetism that keeps drawing you to one another. The banter, the flirtation, the little facts that you begin to learn. It makes it all feel like a little more than sleeping together.
But he’s right, and I can’t have any other expectations.
“Exactly,” I agree.
He stands, only to turn his back to me, pushing the sides of his blazer back to rest his hands on his hips and gaze out the window. “I don’t sleep with employees, so you can get that out of your head.”
“It wasn’t in my head. You mentioned it already once,” I reply bluntly. That is one factor that I quickly learned is true.
“And even if there is a spark…” He doesn’t even glance over his shoulder. “You should stay away from me.”
Now, he hit a nerve, and I’m quick to defend. “Are you seriously putting this on me? I haven’t been chasing you, if that’s what you’re implying.”
Julian turns and rests his hands on the back of his chair, and our bodies are both ready for a standoff. My entire middle tightens because I’m not sure if it’s him or me that is about to snap.
“I didn’t mean it to come out like that. I’m the problem. I’m highlighting that you should stay away from me… in that way.” It feels like a warning that he doesn’t want to give about himself but feels obligated to do so.
I take a step forward and place one hand on my hip, and with the other, I point a finger in the air. “You know, I came here with… not quite the acceptance of how this would go but for the most part the expectation of how this was going to go. And your warning is the biggest BS. Also, while we’re at it, we are the total epitome of mixed messages.”
