I interlace our fingers on the middle console of my car, and my eyes can’t glance away from her fingers. In my world, I would ask her to marry me.
I swallow, knowing if I want to support her right now that I have to be the logical one. “I think we know it’s the only way, Elle.”
Already, I feel the pain in my throat from saying those words. She continues to cry, but I have to highlight the obvious. “You’ll still go to college but will have time if you need it, your parents will help raise the baby.”
“You’ll go pro in hockey as planned.”
“Yeah… and we won’t be together.”
Because that’s the deal.
Her parents will still pay for her college, and my parents will help to financially support the baby until I sign a contract, as long as Brielle and I follow our plans and aren’t a distraction to one another. They don’t want us in a relationship because they think we are dealing with enough, and our boundaries should be clear.
I wanted to scream that they could all forget it, but I’m not yet a star player who can give us the financial means, and I won’t let Brielle give up on her dream of becoming a lawyer. I’ll be so busy with hockey training and games for half the year, and I know it’s not just financial, she needs help with raising the baby and support that I can’t give when I’m on the road, but her parents can.
“It’s for the best. We get to make something of ourselves instead of struggling with a newborn. It’s a long road to becoming a lawyer, and I won’t let you miss the opportunity to follow that path.”
She nods in understanding.
The sound of the rain is somewhat calming at this moment.
“You can focus on your career. You’re destined to be MVP. I guess you wouldn’t be around much anyways for a relationship, plus balancing a child. It’s probably for the best that we do this.” I only half believe the words she just said.
“You know that’s bullshit, although slightly practical.” I scoff a sound. “Maybe the plan can change one day.”
“Ford,” she says my name with pure reverence.
I lean into her, our foreheads touching because I need her close. “A hockey career is only so long. Maybe when you finish college and I—”
She interrupts by slamming her long finger against my lips. “Don’t. We’ll drive ourselves crazy wondering if or when we might have a chance to be together again. I’ll go crazy with that in the back of my head. You will too.”
I kiss her finger away. “I want to believe there is more for us.”
“Me too. But we have a child to think about, and we can’t play around with trying to maybe work somewhere along the road. That’s not fair to him or her. It would be confusing for all of us.”
I can’t even argue with that. “We’ll both accomplish everything we wanted before we got pregnant. Even if this feels so wrong, yet I know it’s right.” I despise this, I’ll never forget this moment.
“We’re not being selfish, I guess that’s what parents are supposed to do. We are putting this baby first. Our focus is trying to balance the baby and the career paths that will ensure they have a good future.”
Our foreheads connect again, and I can taste a salty tear from her skin when I nip her nose with my lips. “It may be co-parenting and careers now, but we’ll show them, Elle, and one day we can have it all.”
“I can’t think like that. My heart is already breaking, and I can’t do this with the thought that maybe one day you will fix it. I’m protecting my heart. I need to be strong for this baby.”
She’s right. It’s not fair to either of us to always be wondering. It’s better to have no blurred lines on our plan forward. We have a kid to think about.
Brielle glances out the window then back to me. Her piercing gaze has me concerned because it strikes me in my heart. “I need you to know that I love you. That I want you involved with this little girl or boy’s life. You’ll be a great dad. But I think for both of our sanities, we accept that our only option is this, being apart.” Her voice cracks. “Waiting for a moment when maybe we have a chance to make this work for the three of us will be painful, and that’s not healthy for us.”
I sink into the driver’s seat. “We’ll do this as two people who are putting our child first.” I turn my key to start the car. “Let’s go for a drive, we need some time before we talk to our parents.”
She buckles her belt, and I get us on the road. A cruel twist of fate, the Verve Pipe’s “The Freshman” comes on the radio, which is only fitting in this moment.
I’m at a total loss for what to feel right now. We’re going to have a baby that I’m thankful for, but I wish the circumstances were more giving for us all.
We drive in silence for what feels like hours, but it’s been maybe thirty minutes when I pull off the side of the road before a forest preserve.
Turning the engine off, I know exactly what to do right now at least.
“Come on, let’s go to the back of the car.”
