“Old rich guys who paid for a lot of art. Like this,” he said as he pointed at a bronze statue along the walkway.
It seemed to be fairly modern – and it wasn’t just the metal it was made of. The style didn’t look like ancient Roman statues or Michelangelo’s David.
The statue depicted two young men in medieval clothing. They were blindfolded, and they both had their hands on a block on the ground. The block was a foot wide, six inches long, and six inches tall. They were posed in a moment of action, like they would have beaten each other up, except they had to keep a hand on the block.
“What’s this?” I asked.
“Two guys with their hands on a block.”
I looked at Giorgio sideways. “I can seethat.Why do they have their hands on a block?”
“It’s like one of those contests when people have their hands on a car, and the last person to take their hand off gets the car.”
“What’s the prize?”
Giorgio pointed. “That block.”
“What?!” I exclaimed.
“That’s a great block,” Giorgio said admiringly.
I burst out laughing, it was so ridiculous.
Giorgio managed to keep a straight face – just barely. “Besides, there wasn’t a whole lot to do 600 years ago.”
“So they fought for a block for fun,” I said facetiously.
“The best blockever,”Giorgio said, then led me further down the path.
We came to a big pool with potted plants around it.
One of the statues by the pool was very weird. It looked like the upper half of a man, but he was stooped over, and his lips were pursed. It wasn’t a realistic face at all – it wasverygrotesque.
“He looks like he’s blowing out really hard,” I suggested. Then I added impishly, “…or he’s getting ready toblowsomebody.”
“No,” Giorgio said seriously, “he’s getting a proctology exam.”
I turned to look at him. “WHAT?!”
“That’s why he’s making that face. That’s the exact moment the finger went in. ‘OhhhhHHHHH!’” Giorgio wailed in a loud voice.
A couple of tourists looked over in alarm.
I burst out laughing. “He doesn’t evenhavean ass! And there’s no finger back there!”
“Great art leaves things to the imagination,” Giorgio said seriously.
“RIGHT. So how do you know he’s getting a proctology exam?”
“There’s this American comic I like named John Mulaney who accidentally got a proctology exam.”
“How do youACCIDENTALLYget a proctology exam?!”
“That’s not important right now. Whatisimportant is that when the doctor stuck his finger up John Mulaney’s ass, John Mulaney made that face. And that sound. ‘OhhhhHHHHH!’ And that’s how I know what this moment is: a proctology exam.” Giorgio nodded very seriously. “It’s great art.”
I was hunched over and about to pee myself, I was laughing hard.
When I finally stood up and wiped the tears from my face, Giorgio said casually, “Or, you know, he’s gettingfuckedin the ass.”
