But then he was gone, drifting into a sea of nothingness as he left me standing there in a single ray of sunlight.
My whole body crumpled to the ground, curling up into a fetal position as I felt his presence leave me again. This time… it felt final.
“I have no reason to stay,” I sobbed. “I’m lost without you.”
Silence met my pleas, and even begging seemed futile in this moment. I’m not sure how long I sat there crying, listening to the waves lap below the cliff, daring me to come closer—to jump.
I just needed to see…
Carefully, I crawled over to the edge of the cliff, looking down at the dark waters that surged below me, the jagged rocks that jutted out from the surface, and the end to all my misery.
My ending was so close, a single jump and all this pain and heartbreak would be gone, along with the confusion and guilt that haunted my every step.
One step.
One jump.
One action to end it all.
But even though my soul was screaming for me to do it, my heart was begging me to stay. To keep on going. To move on. To let him go.
I was at war with myself, teetering that dangerous line I’d been at so many times before. How could one month with a man I barely knew, make me question everything?
My toes teetered on the edge of the cliff, my soul reaching for the ghost of my husband above. Our souls were intertwined… but my heart was starting to beat in tandem with another. I was internally conflicted between two men—one a ghost—one my savior.
Fuck!
“Give me a fucking sign!” I shouted to God. “Tell me what to fucking do!”
Like he would really answer.
I was a fool for even believing in him. My faith was gone. It dissipated the second Chase was ripped away from me. God didn’t have some special plan for me. Why would he? I was nothing. Just another blip in his sea of disappointment, forgotten and lost like the rest of the herd.
I made my way over to my bike, opening the saddlebag on the side. The metal urn taunted me from within. If I was going to do this, I was going to do it with Chase. Clutching the last pieces of my husband, I made my way back to the side of the cliff, holding him against my heart that was beating so rapidly inside my chest.
“I’m coming for you, Chase,” I shouted. “I’m sorry, Cap.”
Gravel broke beneath my foot as I took another step closer, my balance slightly swaying, fear plaguing my bones.
Fuck! I don’t want to do this!
Weak. It was the only word to describe me. Too weak to live. Too weak to die. Afraid of what was next. Would throwing myself over this cliff bring me back to my Chase, or send me down to Hell in the purgatory I belonged in?
My tears coated the outside of the urn, the wet droplets glinting in the single ray of sun still beating down on me, as they moved along the shiny surface. That ray of sun hadn’t left me, almost like it was begging me to hang on.
“I’m so sorry, Chase. I’m sorry I’m so weak.” Opening the urn, I allowed my fingers to dig into his ashes, feeling the remnants of his body as if they would somehow heal me.
Then I released him from his metal prison, taking a handful of his ashes and scattering them with the wind that whipped my hair from side to side. He was riding the currents like he rode the open road—free, without worry, and reckless.
One step and I could be reckless with him… following him into the afterlife.
It sounded so freeing.
Teetering on the edge, I gripped his urn, ready to take that final step to my ghostly grave and stop pussyfooting around it.
“I told you to give me a sign!” I shouted above. “I’m taking your silence as my answer.”
My lack of faith in a higher power had my hand back in the urn, holding on to Chase’s ashes as if it was his hand gripping mine as I took that final leap.
