God, how was it possible to be in love with two men at once? Somewhere over the last month, I’d fallen for Nicholas. His smile warmed parts of me that had been stagnant and cold, his eyes danced with all the possibilities of a future I didn’t deserve, and his touch invoked things inside of me that made me feel like living, even though my soul was seconds away from dying.
It's why I had to leave.
Being near Cap made me feel like I was betraying Chase, and the guilt that overwhelmed me was almost unbearable.
A single, painful tear slithered down the side of my cheek as the familiar swell of pain took over my chest. I was seconds away from sobbing, and that was dangerous on an open road like this.
Up ahead, a clearing came into view, one that overlooked the ocean. Without a second thought, I pulled my bike onto the rocky surface, dismounting until my knees hit the ground and the sobbing started.
I could barely breathe as Chase’s handsome face flashed to the forefront of my mind, knowing that he would’ve wanted to be right here with me, holding me tight as we took in this magnificent view.
“Why, Chase?” I shouted at the clouded sky. He was up there somewhere, looking down on me, watching me suffer without him. “Why did you have to leave me?”
My heart clenched, my fingers digging into the dirty ground as my entire body convulsed with emotion. The tears wouldn’t stop, much like the anger that was building inside of me. My hands curled around a jagged rock, and the way it bit into my flesh felt releasing. My eyes fluttered as they fought to shut, my palm throbbing as I gripped the rock with an angered strength I didn’t realize I had. Then that anger burst out of me like lightning, and I shot up to my feet, pulling my arm back as I aimed it toward the sky.
“You said you would never leave me!” I yelled. “You lied!” I threw the rock up toward the blue sea littered with fluffy white clouds above, hoping it would somehow clip his wings and bring him back down to earth with me. It didn’t. Instead, I watched the stupid rock’s trajectory take it over the edge of the cliff and hurl its way to the crashing waves below. Even my aim was amiss.
I fucking hated myself for feeling…
Feeling alone.
Feeling empty.
Feeling angry.
Feeling something for someone other than my husband.
My last night with Cap came rushing back like a broken dam. The passion I felt that night as he gave me everything my body was needing—loving me in ways I thought weren’t possible because my heart belonged to Chase, was the Kryptonite to my downfall. Now I was riding along the path I was supposed to take with my husband, staring over a cliff that would end it all for me if I took a single step and just succumbed to my urges. It would be so easy… but a part of me didn’t want to die anymore. I wanted to live. To keep going. To prove to everyone that I had a purpose of being here.
“You fucking broke me!” I cried out, my fists clenching until my nails dug into the soft flesh of my palm and blood trickled down my fingertips. “I’m damaged beyond repair!”
If anyone drove by, they’d think I was fucking clinically insane. And maybe I was. I was shouting at a ghost, praying that something inside me would either catastrophically break, or mend the tiny threads still hanging onto my existence.
“Why the fuck am I still here?”
I thought back to my conversation with Knight. How the man of God helped me realize that there was still a life for me to live, one that didn’t center around the ashes sitting in my saddlebag.
It’s why I was here, wasn’t it? To let go of the things that were holding me back from moving on. To let go of Chase.
The sobs were back, the pressure of guilt and despair filling up my chest until I could barely fucking breathe. I couldn’t let go of him—it was impossible.
You have to…
It was like I could hear his voice calling out to me.
“I can’t, Chase. I can’t let you go.”
A single ray of sun peeked out from the cloud that was hiding it, warming my face as it embraced me with its ghostly warmth. It was like I could feel him caressing my cheek, wiping away my tears with his ethereal fingertips. A shimmering vision of his smile came into view, and then his silhouette followed. He was right there! So close I could touch him, but not at the same time.
Keep going…
“I can’t. Not without you. Please don’t leave me again, Chase. I can’t handle this life without you.” My hands reached out in front of me, hoping to hold on to him again and never let go. To my dismay, they only connected with air, and the coldness of loneliness that came with being a widow left alone on this earth without her husband.
His smile never wavered, that spectral image sputtering in and out of focus through my wall of tears. His hand reached forward, and a soft breath of wind caressed my cheek, cooling the tears on my face.
I love you now, forever, always, and every space in between…
“Chase, please! Don’t go. Not again!”
