“Get some sleep, Ruby. We’ll pick up the mess in the morning.”
“Okay, she whispered, yawning again.
And as her body lulled into a peaceful slumber, my eyes fluttered shut, succumbing to my own need for sleep, and all the peaceful dreams being next to her would bring me.
I awoke to a cold, unforgiving, empty bed. My body still in the state of undress it was in before. I did wake up with a smile though, our actions last night leaving me feeling happy and like a teenager again.
Finally admitting how I felt about her was what we needed to get over this hump we were at. She went a bit crazy last night, but she needed that release, hopefully shedding Chase from her memories once and for all.
Stretching out, I reached for my boxers on the floor, only to find them folded along with my pants and shirt on the dresser, my cut draped nicely over the back of a chair.
The room was oddly clean, most of the mess had been picked up and quietly put away. That’s the only explanation for me not hearing her do any of this.
After putting on my clothes, I meandered into the living room, finding that room clean as well. The couch was still in shambles, and a few of the frames had been thrown away, but most of it looked salvaged and not as ransacked.
“Ruby?” I hollered out, thinking she was in the kitchen. But when I entered the room, it was empty. The drawers and silverware had been replaced, and the kitchen had been restored to its former glory.
“Ruby, this isn’t funny,” I shouted again.
When she didn’t answer me, I walked outside, finding her bike gone and Chase’s bike still sitting under the carport.
I wanted to believe she had just gone for a ride, but dread took over, and I realized very quickly that the beautiful woman had most likely ghosted me—maybe for good. That thought had me crumbling.
Racing back inside, I went searching for my phone, hoping I could call her before she made a very grave mistake. I couldn’t explain why I knew she was gone, besides the obvious signs. I just could feel her presence leaving me behind, ghosting me and erasing our bond from existence.
Something told me to look up at the mantle, and when I did, I noticed that Chase’s urn was missing, and a note remained in its place.
Fuck…
My fingers trembled as I picked up the lined paper. Her writing was a bit shaky, and there were obvious smears whereher tears had hit the page. She had written this when she was upset, and somehow, I slept through all of it.
Dear Nicholas…
God, I never thought I’d be writing a letter like this. I guess before I didn’t have anyone that cared enough to read my last thoughts.
First of all, I just want to thank you for everything you’ve tried to do for me. For a while, I played like it was working, but after the concert, I realized I was only suppressing all the dark thoughts I was having. You changed a lot of things in me, but the grief was just too much.
I know you’re probably thinking of following me, but I don’t want you to do that, Cap. I need you to stay there… to be strong… to be what I couldn’t and survive without me. I don’t want anyone to feel the way I do, especially over someone as broken as me. You deserve a stronger woman, one that can hold a candle to the image you had for us in your head.
Being with you this past month has meant everything to me. For the first time since Chase, I held onto the hope that there was something bigger out there for me. A purpose—something to live for. But as the days rolled by, my feelings for you grew stronger, and I started thinking about Chase less and less. That should’ve been a good thing, but it had the opposite effect on me. I hated feeling guilty for falling for you—for wishing for a future that Chase could never give me. It wasn’t fair, and I despised myself for feeling anything but the hate and despair I was so accustomed to. I felt like I was betraying Chase, and I just can’t live with that guilt anymore.
Please understand, Cap, it wasn’t you. You did everything right. But the time has come for me to throw in the towel, let go, and just keep riding. I’m taking my bike with me. After I’m gone, find someone who will cherish Chase’s bike as much as he did. Maybe you can give it to Pincher? I noticed he didn’t have one.
As for my house, I’m leaving you in charge of all my belongings. But only after I’ve been gone at least six months. Who knows, maybe God will intervene and force me to change my mind? But we both know that will never happen.
You told me before I left that you loved me… and I thank you for saying that. I was starting to fall in love with you too, but my heart lives and dies with Chase. There just wasn’t enough room for the both of you. So, instead of choosing between the two men who changed my world, I’m just giving up, taking Chase to the place we always talked about, and joining him in heaven.
Consider this my swan song. A final letter—my last word. I know you’re going to hate me for this, and maybe you’ll never forgive me. But what’s worse, Nicholas? Me leaving you forever to finish what I started, or me staying for you, doing my best to make you happy when we both know that would be a lie. I’m not going to make that sort of choice. It’s not fair to either of us.
Just let me go. Please. I’m begging you not to follow me. I don’t want to be saved. I never wanted it in the first place. For whatever fucked up reason Fate brought you to me, I’ll never understand. It wasn’t like you were ever going to be able to change my mind. I was already dead when you found me, Cap. You may have brieflyrevived me for a moment, but that moment has come and passed.
Thank you for our last night together. It’s truly something I’ll never forget. You’re an amazing man, Nicholas Kane, and any woman would be proud to call you hers. And maybe if we had met at a different time, this wouldn’t be happening.
But you met me at my worst…
And now I’m leaving you with the only thing I can say.
Thank you for loving me even when I was dead inside… I’ll never forget you, and everything you did for me. And Goodbye forever. We will meet again, when we’re both riding the winding road of that big highway in the sky.
