“No.” I denied it instantly. But even as the rejection left my lips, I wondered if it was true.
Would I be risking everything if I didn’t?
Could I trust myself if I did?
And that right there was the biggest mind-fuck of all because I prided myself on my sharpened instincts, my ability to see people for who and what they were. Would love skew my perception? Would it make me blind?
Yes.
Was it too late to even ask myself these questions?
Laying my palm on the counter, I leaned into it and closed my eyes. “Maybe.” I amended.
How could it have happened, though? And so damn fast. It was almost embarrassing. I was a confirmed bachelor. A knave burned by a country that had sold me an ideal but was littered with corruption. I was far too jaded for love, too skeptical to believe it even existed.
Yet there I stood, the very definition of death ready to go to war for life.
The only thing powerful enough to sway death was love.
A beautiful notion? No.
Because at the end of the day, I knew deathalwayswon, and that meant a man like me was essentially love’s suicide.
CHAPTER
TWENTY-ONE
Haz
An ominous sensation punctured the veil between sleep and wakefulness to infiltrate my dreams with a heavy sense of dread. My body reacted first, bolting upright while I gasped for air as if someone had been choking me. Eyes popping wide, I searched the dark room while pressing my hand against my chest to calm the racing of my heart.
Sweat slicked my limbs uncomfortably, and my body broke out into goose bumps as the cool air brushed against my wildly overheated skin. It took a moment to orient myself and realize it was the middle of the night and I’d been asleep. Judging from the way I’d woken, I’d been in the throes of a nightmare.
I didn’t bother trying to remember what it was about. Clearly, it was horrible. Why would I want to relive it?
Sweeping the quiet, dark room once more, I remembered I was at Kieran’s. In his bed. After the doc came and took out my IV, checked all my wounds, and declared I was on the mend, I tried to get out of bed.
Please note I said tried. Kieran was as prickly as a cactus and refused every attempt I made. I even called out of work, not so much because he insisted but because I still had a headacheand I didn’t have my car. I couldn’t exactly deliver food without one, and when I asked Kieran if I could use his fancy SUV, he laughed and reminded me that the reason we’d met was because I crashed my own car.
I considered retaliation in the form of eating a granola bar on his bed. He’d be finding crumbs in his toes for months. But then he made me a plate of spaghetti with meatballs and crusty bread and told me I could pick a movie for us to watch.
I didn’t really want to go to work anyway. Taking one night off wouldn’t hurt anything. Right?
I’d probably regret it when my rent was due next week, but I guess that was future me’s problem.
I pickedJohn Wick, my favorite, and Kieran said it looked stupid. But when I crawled into his lap, he wrapped his arms around me and only grumbled a little about how unrealistic the entire thing was.
I must have fallen asleep right there in his arms while it was still playing because now the room was dark and silent. How I managed to fall asleep early after sleeping all of the night before and most of the morning was a mystery.
Maybe it was the three orgasms and belly full of pasta. Or feeling safe in Kieran’s arms.
His arms weren’t around me now, and that ominous impression that woke me still lingered like that toothpaste I got off the clearance rack once. I didn’t know that stuff could expire, but now I’d never forget.
Anticipating his solid embrace, I turned and reached for him.
He wasn’t there.
Confused, I looked again. “Kieran?” I called, reaching across the mattress, my hand meeting an empty space where he should have been.
