I make eye contact with the mum and then the daughter. The small child bursts into tears and I soften. Luc follows me when I make the instantaneous decision to approach the barrier.
‘Hello,’ I smile at the young child and then at the mum. ‘It’s so lovely to meet you.’
‘Hi,’ the woman bursts. ‘I love you so much. Sorry, is that weird to say? I guess you must get it all the time but probably is still weird for you to have people you don’t know telling you that they love you. Sorry. I babble when I get nervous.’
‘That’s okay,’ I smile. ‘I love you too!’ It took a long time before I started to say it back but now, I always tell fans I love them, because I do. They’ve got me to where I am today and treat me with such kindness at shows and online. Why wouldn’t I love them? ‘And who is this little one?’
‘I’m Penelope,’ the girl coos.
Tears spring to my eyes when I look back at her mum.Infinite Ghost. Track 10.Penelope.
‘And how old are you, Penelope?’
‘Four!’ she shouts, giggling to herself.
‘Four! You look very grown-up.’ She doesn’t. She looksfour. But four-year-olds love to be told they look grown-up, I’m told.
‘Your music was the only thing that would settle her as a newborn with colic. She was a nightmare to get down, but she’s been a fan ever since.’
‘That’s adorable.’ I look back at Penelope. ‘Would you like a picture?’ Penelope grabs her mum’s neck, shyly trying to hide behind it. The mum passes her phone to Luc, posing as he snaps a few pictures of me, her and Penelope.
Dennis gently starts to move me on and Luc hands her phone back. ‘It was lovely to meet you!’ I call as I walk away.
‘Someone’s trained you well,’ I say to Luc, and he frowns. ‘With the pictures,’ I laugh, playfully squeezing his arm. ‘Thank you.’
We don’t stop again, the people walking behind are gaining on us as we approach the press area, ready to be questioned on our relationship again. The bright flashes from the cameras blind me, but I’ve learned not to squint over the years.
‘Sienna, what’s the next step in your relationship?’ one of the interviewers calls. ‘Are you going to move in together soon?’
‘Will Luc be joining you on tour?’ another shouts.
I keep smiling, and so does Luc.
‘Luc, when are you popping the question?’
What if we didn’t break up at the beginning of the tour? What if Luc joined me for some of it? That space of time where I used to play charades with Grampy, would Luc be there now instead? We could play cards in silence, resting my voice but spending time together. We could watch a movie or warm up my voice and muscles. Can Luc be my new ritual?
I remind myself of everything that would come with that: the scrutiny, Luc not being able to leave the house without being photographed, the stories in the papers about whether I’m pregnant when I’m bloated. Is it worth it?
Maybe Luc is worth it.
Dennis moves us on, and we are finally in the venue.
‘They never get less overwhelming, do they?’ Luc mumbles.
I breathe a sigh of relief. I didn’t realise I’d been carrying so much shame on my shoulders until someone else agreed with those feelings I’ve long since buried deep inside me. I smile at him, but it’s not reaching my eyes. My mouth moves stiffly and the rest of the muscles in my face stay where they are, too exhausted to move.
‘Yeah,’ I whisper. ‘Never.’
We continue walking through the foyer until we find ourselves in an empty corridor. I breathe slowly and Luc squeezes my hand. ‘I need to just catch my breath and make my heart rate go down,’ I say. We pause for a few more moments before going to find our seats in the auditorium.
‘You okay?’ Luc asks.
I turn my energy back on, shaking my spine and forcing the muscles in my face into one of my best grins. Performance mode. It’s the same kind of action as when I’m out of breath after a song on tour but I know the track for the next one is starting and the lights are about to come back on. A reaction I have perfected over the years I have been watched in meticulous detail by thousands of eyes.
‘Yeah, why wouldn’t I be?’ I say.
Luc winces, his shoulders slumping. ‘You know I can tell you’re faking that?’
