‘You keep going. I’m not going to complain,’ I say, flicking my hair over my shoulder and flashing a wink at the audience.
And he does continue, listing practically every achievement I’ve accomplished over the first few days ofYour Email Didn’t Find Me Well.
‘You know, I still thinkInfinite Ghostis my favourite song of yours. Such a bop,’ Eric grins.
Infinite Ghostwas the first song Eric ever asked me about. I told him it was about ‘that person who keeps blowing in and out of your life, a person with whom you don’t quite know where you stand’. So,Infinite Ghostbecame a song about the person you find yourself falling in love with, but every time you start to get somewhere, when you realise you’re starting to get close, they distance themselves until they’re no longer in your life at all.
I didn’t tell him the truth. I’ve never told anyone the truth.
It’s a lot of people’s favourite songs. I’m not sure it’s mine.
‘But,’ Eric continues. ‘Kind Regardsis coming in as a close second favourite. Who knows, maybe one day it’ll overtake!’ Eric dips under his desk and pulls out one of my new vinyls and places it pride of place on his desk, where office workers and doctors have pictures of their kids.
‘I thinkKind Regardsis also my favourite song on the album.’ I pause. ‘Can I have favourites?’
‘They’re not your children!’ Eric laughs in that way Eric Lancaster laughs, which makes millions of people across the country join in, filling homes with joy. That should be his slogan. ‘That’s why it’s the lead single, right?’
‘It was a blast to record.’
‘It’s also… heartbreaking.’ Eric brings his hand up to his chest, acting like he’s been shot. He turns to the camera. ‘For those who haven’t heard it, although I think most of you will have… it’s this really unbelievably sad song, but the upbeat melody will make you sing and dance while you scream about how you’ve never been hurt like this, and you want to die.’
‘Excellent review. I’ll take it as a testimonial. Thanks, Eric.’
The audience laughs.
‘What was your inspiration behind it?’
I had been dreading this question, but I knew it was coming – Eric loves to ask about my inspiration behind songs. I find the rehearsed response to this question in my head.
‘Kind Regardsis about that space between a break-up and getting over someone, when you’re absolutely devastated, don’t know what to do with yourself without them…’ I ignore the croaking in my voice which seems to have returned with a vengeance. That stupid cold. ‘But you also ended so… well that you don’t have that anger to help you through it. Instead, you’re in love but devastated.’ I smile sadly.
‘Nothing could ever hurt so much.’ Eric shakes his head, seemingly lost in his own memories.
‘There’s no pain like it,’ I agree.
‘And is that someone still in your life?’
I make the mistake of looking out into the audience and spotting Luc standing near one of the cameras in the studio, despite the bright lights trying to blind me from seeing him.
‘Not in the same way, no,’ I reply, tearing my gaze away.
At least he wasn’t when I wrote the damn song.
A single bead of sweat pours down the back of my neck but I ignore it. ‘I don’t think you write a song like that about someone who is still in your life.’ I pause again and a smile tugs at the corner of my lips.
‘No, I don’t suppose you do…’ Eric says and then grins. ‘Now, I don’t want to take credit for your first number one album…’
‘You can take the credit all you like, Eric. It was you.’
My third album went to number one a few days after Eric asked me where my inspiration forBlue Sunflowerscame from. It was a song I’d put as a track seven onInfinite Ghost, written for my dad who died a few days before the release of my second album – an experience which shaped my entire journey in releasing that album, and in writing the third. I’d suddenly experienced this great loss, a loss bigger than any break-up or bad friendship. It was the first time I’d ever really lost anyone, and now that I’ve lost more people than I can count, it’s not a feeling that gets any easier. ButBlue Sunflowershas been the song I turn to every single time. There are still days when I don’t want to get out of bed in the morning, but I have to drag myself. I have to continue. I’m living my dream, one I’ve had for so many years, and that my dad always wanted for me.
I can’t give up because I’m sad.
Between me and Eric, we had shed more tears than had ever been shed on Eric Lancaster’s sofa after I’d explained the inspiration behind the song back in 2014. The audience sobbed when I told the story of how my dad was young, healthy, going on a twelve-mile run one day and collapsing in the kitchen after walking down the stairs the next.
There had been a few seconds of silence where no one knew what to say. I could see the cogs in Eric’s brain turning, trying to think of a way to turn this conversation around, tobring that joy to millions of households in the final moments of the show before the ad break and not leave everyone depressed and crying.
I’d sniffed, dried my eyes and cracked a smile. ‘Has anyone ever told you why the chicken crossed the road?’
