Luc reaches out and puts his hand over mine. ‘I’m sold.’
I catch Jess looking at the contact and pull my hand away.
Jess smiles. ‘So, you should be okay to end things between you by the end of October. So, it’s not much longer for you both.’
I swear she’s assessing me, looking into my eyes for any sign of reaction. To see whether that is still the plan at all.
Of course it is. Things between me and Luc will now end at the end of October.
A month earlier than originally planned.
My stomach sinks. But it’s for the best. We can go back to a friendship quicker.
‘I hope you don’t mind I stayed over.’ Jess knows she has an open invite to her bedroom here. ‘I just thought if we were having a meeting early this morning, it would be easier to stay in my room.’ She turns to Luc. ‘Lucky, really, Luc, that you slept in Sienna’s room last night. It could have been quite awkward for us.’
‘I slept on the sofa.’
‘You wereinsistenton how comfortable my sofa is,’ I back him up.
‘It is a comfortable sofa. Not comfortable enough for a second night stay though, Luc?’
Luc laughs, a big, throaty laugh.
‘Jess,’ I say, struggling to hide the laughter in my own voice. ‘What do you want us to say?’
‘I was wondering how long it would take you to crack and admit it.’
Luc is still on the sofa when Mimi knocks on my door at exactly ten thirty. Still in the clothes he went to the theatre in, the clothes I wanted to tear off. I don’t dwell too long on what that means. Probably old habits dying hard.
Luc’s words are still vibrating around my skull.I want to make sure that we’re doing this because we’re us and not because we’re anyone. Was last night something I would have done with anyone? I’m not sure I would. I thought I would sleep with him, get it out of my system, and then run. It’s who I am.
But maybe Luc has broken the rule I wouldn’t let myself set.Don’t let him in.
I’m always glad to see whoever has stayed over leave, but I don’t want Luc to ever go.
This isnot good. Someone – probably me – is going to get hurt.
My doctor is not far behind Mimi. I realise then that I’m not ready. I don’t want to know what my fate is yet. I want to continue living in the luxury of ignorance for just a little while longer.
The doctor looks out of place in my living room, like this group of people are not a group of five people who would ever be together otherwise. I’ve only met her a few times – I guess she’s more of a consultant. She did my tests in hospital a few weeks ago – a little camera down my throat. I want to stall, to keep her here for as long as possible, but she has other patients to see. And maybe I should rip the plaster off. Get it out of the way as quickly as possible.
‘Would you like to speak somewhere privately first, Sienna?’ she asks me, her voice soft.
Jess, Mimi and Luc all leave the living room without a word and close the door behind them.
‘I’m just going to repeat everything you say to them, anyway.’
‘I know you are, but it’s never nice to be told somethingwith an audience,’ she says. ‘I’ll get straight into it, because I know you’re anxious.’
I try to smile, but I know, even without a mirror, that it’s more of a grimace.
The doctor opens her file full of my notes. ‘The scans show that you have vocal polyps. I’m sure you’re familiar with them because of your industry. They occur typically from repeatedly overusing your voice, which I imagine you have probably done after fifteen years, or maybe not using your voice properly,’ she explains.
It’s exactly what I expected and what I feared at the same time. The fears I wouldn’t give a voice to, but which came true anyway.
‘I would recommend voice rest and working with a vocal therapist for the next two months and we’ll see where we are. I know you’re going on tour in four months, so we’ll do another scan and see if there’s any improvement.’
‘The tour is now in three months,’ I say quickly. ‘What do we do if there’s no improvement?’
