I need to find my anchor.
The images of Luc calling and me not answering time and time again from ten years ago take up whatever small amount of space is left in my brain. He’s the only person in my life who isn’t my family or on my team. Someone I can’t seem to let go of no matter how hard I try.
‘We’ll figure this out, Sienna,’ Mimi reassures.
My full name. A name that over the years has come to feel like a stage name, like a persona and less like who I really am. When I released my first album, I was asked whether I wanted to use a stage name, but I didn’t understand why I would. I thought they were for people who didn’t like their name, or who didn’t think their name was catchy enough. Or there was someone releasing music or films under a similar, if not the same, name. But, really, it gives you separation. A day off from it all. A day where someone like Lucie Louise can be Lucille Adkins again. It’s the music industry equivalent of taking your uniform off after a long day.
It always seemed pointless to me, anyway. Their government name always lands on Wikipedia faster than the release of their second single.
I have a deep urge to tether myself, to sit on the dressing room floor, but can’t risk dust transferring onto the Versace.
‘Sienna!’ Mauve is loud, desperate, like she’s running out of air. She shouts like she’s trying to make her voice reach theother side of London, rather than five feet across the room. Even Mimi flinches. ‘We need to finish the plan.’
Like it’s her job.
‘So, my plan is basically to avoid any questions about my love life tonight?’
‘Firstly, you don’thavea love life,’ Mimi points out, which is harsh… but fair. ‘And, secondly, Eric is banned from asking you about anything other than the album and he’s normally pretty good so you should be fine to just be yourself… But please ham up the“I’m so innocent, I’ve been in the public eye for most of my life”act.’
An interview where I don’t get asked about the men I’m dating? That’ll be a first.
It’s only half an hour later when I’m brought back into the studio. I’m told to stand outside a door with Dennis, ready for when Eric introduces me as the final guest.
Dennis gestures for me to spin around and then brushes off any dust leaning on the wall has left on the back of my dress.
The audience are all in the studio, enjoying Zara’s first interview after her second album broke the internet the minute it came out.
The first time I was on Eric’s show, I was standing here trying to guess what the audience would think when I walked out. I thought they’d wonder who I was or why I deserved to be interviewed by Eric Lancaster when I hadn’t won any Grammys or Brit Awards, even though I’d never think that about someone else. The imposter syndrome of being a woman in the industry, let alone a woman from a council estate. Of needing to prove yourself to everyone you ever meet, and even those you don’t.
I’d barely had an album reach the top five of the charts thefirst time I was on Eric’s show. The album I’d released right before the interview –Infinite Ghost– had only reached the fourth spot. My first had peaked at six, which is why I was the first slot on the show, rather than Alex Pauls, a Hollywood actor with at least six Oscars to his name at the time, or Lucie Louise, who won The Grammy Award for Best New Artist the year before. The first Grammy I was nominated for but didn’t win.
A tear comes to my eye, and I swallow down the emotion which still hits me at inconvenient times. Emotions which still feel overwhelming when I’m sitting in my too-large, too-empty house on my own, or when I get in the shower, or let myself think for too long. The emotions which are all consuming, choking down my words.
This is not the time.
‘…Sienna Martin!’
The doors are opening, and the audience screams, even despite online reaction to Benji-gate. Less than a thousand people shout so loudly that the floor shakes under my feet. There’s one scream which pierces louder, sharper, longer than any of the others.
I take a seat on the sofa. ‘Hi, Eric,’ I smile.
‘Sienna! It’s so lovely to have you back.’
‘It’s so great to be here.’
‘So, your new albumYour Email Didn’t Find Me Wellwent straight to the top spot on the charts as soon as it was released – no surprises there.’
‘That’s not something I’ll ever get used to, Eric.’ I hit everything Jess told me to say. ‘It’s been a really exciting whirlwind since I woke up on release day.’That’san understatement.
‘Well, Sienna Martin. You are smashing it.’
The crowd starts cheering again and I don’t know where to look. A smile, a half laugh, escapes my lips and I cross my legs for something to do.
‘Well, let me tell the audience here and at home what’s happened so far this week.’ Eric turns to the camera. ‘The album went straight to number one on release day, and it’s breaking all kinds of Spotify records… Let me see… It’s broken the record for the fastest album this year to reach a million streams. What else, oh, it also broke the record for how quickly it reached the most streamed album in a day.’
He takes a deep breath, and I can’t stop the smile from spreading across my face, tears welling in my eyes. I swallow yet another lump in my throat, forcing the emotion back down.
‘I can go on.’
