How do I explain how much it hurts when he uses that word to describe what’s between us?Friend. I’m not as comfortable with being his friend as I want to be. And I think I do want to be, after all this ends.
My fingers find the piano again, and I play through the rest of the melody, the second verse, my voice joining for the chorus again. The tune meets a crescendo, an emotional climax, and then shows down for the outro. ‘It’ll be something like this. Just needs the words now,’ I explain.
‘The fact you are writing songs for your ninth album is wild.’
‘Honestly.’ I pause and we sit in a small silence. I hit a key on the piano. ‘It was album three when I met you, wasn’t it?’ I say like I don’t think about it all the fucking time. Luc taking me upstairs to my dressing room forEric Lancaster’s Laughsfor the first time. It was like a cupboard that year, nothing like the suite they gave me this year.
‘Infinite Ghost,’ Luc nods and then laughs. ‘I can’t believeyou told Eric Lancaster thatInfinite Ghostwas about “someone who keeps blowing in and out of your life”.’
I gasp a small breath, but it lingers in the room. ‘Okay – two things.’ I hold up one finger. ‘Firstly, how could you remember that?’ A second finger. ‘Secondly, it is!’
‘There aretworeasons I’ll obviously remember what you said it was about, Sie. Firstly, it was the first time I met you and, secondly,Infinite Ghostis still one of my favourite songs and albums.’ He shakes his head. ‘And it’s not about that. I know you.’ He opens and closes his mouth, unsure whether to continue. ‘I’ve been at the receiving end.’
I look away, hit another key on the piano and hope that it’ll get him to stop talking.
‘I’ve seen it get progressively worse over the years. I know it’s you. You’re the infinite ghost,’ Luc says.
‘Okay, ouch.’ I hit the highest key, and it barely makes a sound over Luc’s voice.
‘I’m not trying to be mean, Sienna. It’s just the way you are.’
He crosses the room and perches on the other side of the piano stool. I move over to make room for him. Half my bum is hanging off, and I’m sure his is too. Neither of us are comfortable.
‘I mean, you ghosted me.’
I wince. ‘Can we not talk about this?’
‘You like to avoid talking about things you find uncomfortable, don’t you?’ He cringes and bows his head. ‘But, Sienna, we’ve been dancing around this for weeks.’
I don’t reply.
Luc continues, ‘You still haven’t told me why. We can’t just keep going on like we’re friends and we don’t have history.’
I still stay silent, but I refrain from hitting another key on the piano. I file away his line for a song later.
‘You still haven’t told me why.’ His voice cracks. ‘You stopped replying one day, and I never got an explanation. Ithought I’d done something wrong, but I couldn’t work out what.’
‘You hadn’t.’ I fiddle with the skin around my nails.
‘After six months of racking my brains and then later on putting it together with theInfinite Ghostreference, I realised that.’ He runs his hands through his hair and pushes his glasses up his nose. ‘But it’s not fair. You can’t treat me like that.’
‘I know.’
‘I realise there’s probably a reason why everyone in your life is on your team or your family, but we’ve come this far now.’ His throat bobs with the effort it takes him to swallow. ‘There is a reason that Mimi reached out to me for this arrangement, and no one else. I know there is.’ His eyes search mine. ‘I haven’t figured it out yet, but I will.’
‘I don’t know why she reached out to you either,’ I offer quietly.
‘So, why did you stop replying?’ He’s gentle with his words but it feels like he’s poking at an old bruise with a cattle prod. ‘Why did you ignore me and then treat me like nothing had happened?’
I don’t reply again but I widen my eyes. They brim with tears, and I swallow, looking away.
‘Sienna, I’m not having a go at you,’ Luc repeats. ‘I only want to understand so that we can support each other going forward… now… especially now that we’ve been thrust back into each other’s lives.’ He pauses, probably waiting for me to reply, but when I don’t, he adds, ‘I need an explanation. I need to know why.’
I fiddle with a hairband on my wrist, pinging it against my skin over and over.
‘We met ten years ago now, and I’ve always come back whenever you’ve called.’ He gets up from the stool. ‘And if that doesn’t mean anything to you, I don’t know what else I can say.’
He starts towards the door and my heart leaps into my throat.
