TRACK 1 | UNLIKELY SILENCE
The first song I wrote after I broke up with Luc. Every line nearly destroyed me, but I poured myself into this song. It was real. I didn’t know if I was ever going to finish but Jess was there every step of the way. ‘Unlikely Silence’ was my way of telling Luc that it hurt me as much as it hurt him.
I’ve learned notto be surprised when Mauve turns up unannounced. She’s been here since eight o’clock this morning, bringing a Tesco shop with her and cleaning my house to within an inch of its life. I’m not a messy person, and I do wipe down sides, bleach the toilet regularly. And I have someone who comes and does a deep clean for me once a month. But Mauve thinks she can do a better job.
I’ve been to do a radio performance and back. Mauve is still here.
It’s as good an excuse as any for her to root around my drawers trying to find anything I’ve been hiding from her. I noticed on her fourth time doing it that my clothes were disappearing, and then those same clothes wereappearing on eBay.
I’ve got to give it to her… she never takes anything I’ve worn recently. Or that I’ve mentioned having sentimental value. It’s normally stuff that I was going to give to charity, but if I spot anything on the anonymous page, I’ll tell her I want it back. I don’t know why Mauve needs the extra money when I will give her any amount she asks for whenever she asks for it.
And, trust me, she asks for it.
She claims that I owe her because she can’t work herself because I’m ‘so famous’. Rory manages it just fine, but Mauve claims that she can’t work because she can’t handle all the questions about me.
She works around me while I stare at the tele. The third episode of the first season ofHostile Mindsis on. I’m not concentrating as much as I’d like to, but I’ve seen this show before. Watching it knowing that this came from Luc’s brain is a completely different ball game.
I can’t stop thinking about how we left things last night. The way his brows had furrowed together and there was a harsh edge on his voice. Luc is inherently kind, and not confrontational at all.
It makes me wonder... how well do I really know this new Luc? This new Luc who isn’t protecting his privacy, who doesn’t mind calling me out for my behaviour. He didn’t even reply to my message after the premiere.
‘Move your feet,’ Mauve requests, pushing the hoover along the edge of my sofa. There’s something nostalgic about it. About having her here cleaning around me like she did when I was eight years old. It makes me think my dad is about to walk down the stairs at any minute, a time warp which will bring everyone I’ve ever lost back to me.
I clear my throat again and take a long sip of honey and lemon tea.
‘How are you doing?’ Mauve asks, turning the hoover offand sitting next to me on the sofa. ‘That summer cold got you again?’
Why can’t I get rid of this cold? I sang four songs onMurcie’s Song Salonthis morning, and it appears that my voice hasstillnot recovered from the last remnants of that illness. I was okay for the first song, but I had to change a lot of the notes for the final three because I couldn’t hit the high notes as I usually can. My voice cracked multiple times, and I had to apologise for being ill. It was a disaster.
I shake my head. ‘I can’t get rid of the one from before.’ My voice is hoarse, cracking on words.
‘Still?’
I sip my tea. Even though Mauve is a complete pain in the ass, it’s nice to have your mother around when you’re not feeling great. Someone whose job it is to wrap you up until you feel better, to protect you from the world. Mauve has had to protect me from the world more than most.
A key goes in the lock and Jess’s voice filters through my downstairs. ‘Hi, Sienna,’ she calls. I hear her kick her shoes off. ‘Oh, hi Mauve,’ she says when she sees my mother next to me on the sofa.
‘Hey, Jess,’ I croak and sip my tea again.
‘Your poor voice.’ Jess sits on the other side of me. ‘I heard the Song Salon this morning.’
‘How bad was I? You can be honest.’
‘You weren’t bad! Good job changing the notes to whatever could fit in your current range. But your voice sounds painful. Are you okay?’
‘I’m okay. I will be, anyway. It’s just that cold,’ I say.
‘Are you sure?’ Jess asks gently. ‘It’s just been such a long time, you would’ve usually recovered by now.’
‘I’m old,’ I reply feebly. ‘My voice is old. Takes longer to recover now, apparently.’
‘Enough with the old, please,’ Mauve requests. Jess and I laugh.
‘If I rest it… If I don’t sing until the tour, I should be okay.’
‘Do you think you should maybe get it checked out by a doctor, just in case? And we can get a vocal coach in to help you to recover?’
I nod sadly. If that’s what we need to do, that’s what we need to do.
