My hotel room is warm,and somehow a mess even though I wasn’t in here for very long. ‘Welcome to my home for the next three days,’ I present. ‘Somehow a thousand times messier than my actual home.’
I look around the room and take it in. The bed covers are half off the bed, my suitcase open on the floor, contents spilling out. Chargers plugged into sockets with nothing to justify them being plugged in.
‘Yeah, somehow I always revert to my teenage self on tour.’ I sigh. ‘It’s like I was frozen in time when I went on tour for the first time and I never grew up after that.’
I sit on the sofa at the end of the bed and Luc hesitates. He takes the chaise lounge opposite.
‘I think let’s get straight into it,’ I say, waiting for him to go ahead with his story. With the explanationhe should’ve given me from the beginning, before the arrangement started. My mouth goes dry, heart thumping against my chest.
He takes a deep breath. ‘So, you’re right. Mimi did pay me.’
The noise that comes out of me is some sort of half-strangled gasp as if this was something I didn’t know. Luc winces. My hand shakes in my lap.
Luc is trembling himself. ‘And I should have told you. But Mimi insisted on it.’ His voice cracks. ‘I thought she would have told you.’ He shakes his head. ‘I didn’t want the money. I was going to do this… arrangement with you, I was going to do it because it helps you, not because I was gaining from it.’ He picks at the skin on the edge of his nails. ‘When Mimi sent me that first payment, I put it in a separate account so that I couldn’t see it, didn’t have to think about it.’ He rests his head in his hands and shakes his head again, desperately trying to turn back time and undo this whole mess. ‘When the second payment came, we’d just been to Rory’s charity gala, and you’d mentioned wanting to be able to live a normal life. I’d just planned the pottery painting date.’
My breath hitches in my throat, and a tear spills over the edge of my waterline. I want him to stop. I need him to stop talking right now. He jumps up and crosses the small space between us, landing on the sofa next to me with his arm around my shoulders.
‘After the second payment came in, I realised how uncomfortable the payment made me. I mean it made me uncomfortable to start with… but knowing you again and being wrapped up in your world. The way you were starting to open up to me in a way you never did before.’
A prickly heat skates over my skin. A tear rolls down his face.
‘I sent the money back to Mimi. All of it. And I didn’t ever mention it to you because I didn’t want to hurt you.’ Heshakes his head again like he’s trying to shake off everything that’s happened. ‘I really hope that you are able to forgive me, because I want to be us again, Sie.’
There’s a strangled sob at the back of his throat and I feel like I can’t breathe. The desperation blocks everything else out. All other human functions.
‘It’s not just because we’re anyone, Sienna.’ His voice breaks and he struggles to crack the silence. ‘It’s because we’re us.’
‘It’s because we’re us,’ I repeat in a whisper.
There’s a pause between us as we let the money weigh on our shoulders.
I clear my throat. ‘I know it’s not your fault. It’s no one’s fault really. Mimi insisted, and she wanted you to be properly compensated for your time.’ I swallow the lump in my throat as my words sprinkle around the air like snow. ‘It’s just all around a messy situation that neither of us ever asked to be a part of.’
It hits me right in the gut. Everything that went wrong devastating me in the depths of my body where I didn’t know you could feel pain. A silence between us again.
‘So, you weren’t in this for financial gain or to get notoriety around your writing?’ I ask carefully.
His eyes widen. ‘No, Sienna.’ He shakes his head. ‘No, no.’ His voice is soft, almost sad. ‘What makes you say that? Definitely not.’
I smile sadly but I can’t look him in the eye. ‘Just something my brain does.’
‘You mean catastrophising?’
I pause. ‘I guess so.’
‘Shock. Would never have guessed that.’
I push him lightly and laugh. ‘Will you stay here?’
‘In your hotel room? Sure, if you want me to.’
‘Don’t sound too enthusiastic.’
‘It’s not exactly attractive if I’m gagging at the bit to be here, is it? Don’t want to scare you off again.’
I look him in the eyes, and his gaze washes over me. Our breathing laboured, heavy, filling the still air around us with wanting, desire. ‘I’m not going to scare off again, Luc.’
‘You need to talk to me.’ He grasps my hands, running his thumbs over them. ‘You need to voice how you’re feeling, not shut down. We’ll never work if you run every time I do something wrong.’ He takes a deep breath. ‘I will do something wrong at some point. I’m not perfect, and neither are you.’
