I groan. ‘James…’
‘I refuse to believe this is it for you guys.’ A flick of something in my eyebrow. ‘He’s been playing the long game sticking around all these years.’
‘I really wish people would stop saying that,’ I say weakly. ‘He wasn’t playing the long game, he moved on.’
James raises his eyebrows at me.
‘He wasengaged,’ I insist, but my voice cracks.
‘And where is that engagement now?’
‘James, do you mind if we don’t talk about it?’
He moves on to my foundation and sighs. ‘Sure, lovey. I guess you’re about to go into your pre-show silence anyway?’
I nod. For the rest of the day, until the moment I take the stage, I will not use my voice. I try to ignore the nagging in my stomach that this was Grampy time. That there was a brief moment I thought I could find new rituals with Luc.
No new traditions, just my silence.
Right before I’m scheduled to go on, Dina and James help me into my first outfit for the opening number. Black baggy shorts and a matching crop top. Super comfortable. And available in what will end up being nine different colours by the end of the tour.
I can hear Ruby Rain’s set echoing through the corridors, the volume of the stadium loud enough to reach all corners, even through whatever soundproofing they’ve tried to install.It’s electric. The atmosphere of it. Every crowd is different, but this crowd, the opening night crowd… There’s nothing like it.
No one other than me and my dancers, the crew, know the setlist, the production of the tour. The crowd don’t know what they’re getting. In an age of social media, it’s very rare that a crowd will come to the show after opening night having managed to avoid all spoilers. The bond between me and the opening night crowd will always be different because of that, because of the adrenaline in the room.
I’m going to have to sneak into the stadium to watch Ruby’s set at some point. I know I have to see her perform, because she sounds insane from all the way back here. I can only imagine what it’d be like hearing her in the stadium. The crowd is so loud already, will they still have voices by the time I take to the stage?
Ruby is playing her closing song and the crowd screams as the music dies down. And then the playlist I carefully curated is playing in these last twenty minutes. Before my big return.
My phone pings on the dressing table and my heart lights up. Finally. Luc? I’ve been waiting for him to text again since I asked him to give me space. Maybe I’m ready now? I want to hear the full story. I can’t shake him off as I normally can other people.
How I feel about him isn’t going anywhere anytime soon.
But it’s not Luc. It’s my mother.
MAUVE
Good luck. You’ll be amazing, as always. Forever proud of you
Rory and I in VIP. Made it just in time! Bloody trains
Next time could you sort us a car? Don’t see why we should have to get the train
‘I thought she was uninvited,’ I break my pre-show silence to show Jess and Mimi my phone.
I shouldn’t be surprised that Mauve didn’t listen when I told her she wasn’t welcome.
‘I’ll sort it,’ Mimi says. ‘I’ll make sure she doesn’t come back here at any point,’ she promises. ‘Try not to let it get to you.’
I take a deep breath and mime a zip over my mouth. Breathing out even slower to calm my anger.
‘Opening night here we go,’ Mimi beams.
I smile back, pointing to my throat to indicate I’ve entered my silence zone.
‘You ready?’ she asks, and I nod.
She holds out her hand and I give her my phone, which she zips in her crossbody bag.
