‘This is my fault.’ Mimi shakes her head. ‘I– I should have made you aware of the situation. Fully. But I didn’t think you’d go near him if you knew exactly the terms of the arrangement.’
‘I don’t care, Mimi.’ I throw my hands up in the air. ‘It’s fine. I know now.’
‘No, listen to me, Sienna.’ Mimi holds her hand up to stop me from talking. ‘You have– you need to stop being your own worst enemy. You don’t always know best.’
My mouth slams shut.
‘Luc initially took one payment from me. I insisted that he took it because he would be losing a lot of his privacy and I was concerned that, after being made redundant from his last job, that he wouldn’t be able to find another one easily if anything with the arrangement went wrong.’ Mimi taps her pen against the top corner of the notebook, leaving behind small dots. ‘I just wanted to tide him over, and I didn’t think you’d see an issue with that because you don’t want him to struggle financially, do you?’
I hesitate but ultimately have to shake my head. I swallow, and it takes a lot of effort.
‘Obviously, he did manage to sell his four-part drama, but he wouldn’t get the money for that straight away.’
Mimi looks at me, her eyes seemingly trying to read what’s happening in my head. ‘The reason I reached out to Luc was firstly because I knew his relationship with Rose had semi-recently ended, and I’d also heard thatHostile Mindshad been cancelled.’
She’s waiting for me to reply, but I can’t.
‘But he didn’t want you to swoop in and try to save him like you have a habit of doing for the people you love,’ Mimi says.
I’d never even realised that I do that, but it makes sense. I did everything in my power to get Jess a job when she needed one. I did everything Grampy asked for, even when he didn’t directly ask but it was underwritten in the context.
‘What do you think of all this so far, Sienna?’ Mimi asks.
‘It makes–’ My voice cracks. ‘Sense. I think.’
Mimi nods. ‘Luc can tell you the rest.’ She pauses. ‘I know this was all set up as an arrangement, but I’ve really seen something blossom in you since he’s been back in your life – and in him, too.’ She sighs. ‘Invisible string theory, you said it yourself. You’ll keep crossing paths with each other if you don’t act now.’
‘I don’t know if I can,’ I admit.
‘Just hear him out. I don’t want to be the one to tell you his news.’
Mimi opens her laptop and puts her headphones in, her way of telling me that she needs to do a bit of work.
I stare at my phone, willing Luc to call me, text me, reach out in some way. It’s only been a few hours since I told him I needed space, but I’m already aching for the feeling his messages gave me every time he fought for me.
I unlock my phone and start aimlessly scrolling through social media. I navigate towards Luc’s Instagram but find nothing of note. He hasn’t posted since the last photo he shared of us at my launch party, and there’s nothing on his story.
My page looks the same, a photo of us from the launch party – the one Jess took from across the room where it looks like no one else in the room matters. They all blur around us while we look only at each other.
Seeing it now is like being punched in the gut.
I leave Instagram and open TikTok, hoping that the endless loop of clips to flick through will numb the ache in my brain. Will let me turn off the whirring in my thoughts for the first time in days. But it doesn’t. I’m hardly taking in what is happening on my screen while thoughts of Luc remain prominent.
What if I’ve messed this up forever? What is his news that Mimi won’t share? Was I wrong to cut him off? Have I got the wrong end of the stick?
But then, the other side of my brain comes back. That no matter what way I spin it, Luc was being paid to hang out with me. Doesn’t that make our entire relationship inauthentic? Even more inauthentic than the fact it began because we were faking it? Clearly some of us more than others, but faking it nonetheless.
I will get the full story from Luc at some point, but I need to get over him first. To minimise the hurt the full story willcause me. If I’m already over it, I’ll care less. It won’t hurt as much.
All I ever wanted to do was protect myself. There’s been enough hurt now that I know how to see it coming, how to protect myself in advance. And, unfortunately, a lot of that is not letting people in. It’s not like I want to live this way, but the alternative is completely unfathomable.
CHAPTER 27
I’M SORRY
TRACK 11 | SWEETHEARTS INSIDE AT NIGHT
It’s no secret I’ve never been good at saying sorry. I’m self-aware enough to admit I can never admit to being wrong, but not self-aware enough to recognise when I am wrong. And I definitely can’t say sorry without hurting my pride. So, I put it in a song back in 2015.
