Grey shook her head.
“Okay.” Lauren brushed another kiss across Grey’s cheek.
“It was cancer,” Grey said, the words spilling from her mouth without her consent. She had not really talked to anyone about those last few months—even Kip had not been able to coax it out of her—but there was something about Lauren that made her want to share. “We caught it late. Like, crazy late. She was already in stage four when she was diagnosed. It had spread everywhere. Her brain, her lungs, her bones…” Her voice trailed off, and she sucked in a ragged breath as her eyes stung with tears.
“Oh, Grey,” Lauren breathed as her heart broke for the woman in her arms.
“They gave her six months, but she didn’t even make it four,” Grey whispered. “She was on so many drugs at the end that she slept pretty much all the time, and when she was awake, you could just see how much it hurt in her eyes. I still don’t know how we didn’t realize something was wrong sooner. She had had some headaches and stuff before she was diagnosed, but nothing unmanageable—but as soon as the tests came back saying cancer, it was like her symptoms exploded out of control. It was fucking awful, waking up every day, seeing her in so much pain. Wishing there was something I could do to make it stop, but selfishly wanting her to fight because I didn’t want to lose her.”
Lauren swallowed thickly and had to fight back her own tears at the absolute agony in Grey’s voice.
“I was so afraid of losing her that I barely slept those last few weeks. I was terrified that she would die while I was sleeping and that I wouldn’t know about it until I woke up. I just…my every breath was hers. If I could have taken the pain from her I would have, but I couldn’t, and three months and eleven days after she was diagnosed, she was gone.” She cleared her throat and pulled back to wipe at the tears that were now coursing freely down her cheeks. “It was just so fast,” she added softly as she stared unseeingly at Lauren’s collarbone, her vision blurred by the tears she could not keep from falling. “One day she was fine, we had just gotten engaged, and then she was gone. Just like that. It was so fucking fast…” Her voice trailed off into a sob.
Lauren felt utterly useless as she watched Grey fall apart in front of her. Fat tears poured from Grey’s eyes as she stared into a past that Lauren knew would haunt her forever. Lauren reached for her, needing to ease some of her pain. “Oh, sweetie,” she murmured as she wrapped her right hand around the back of Grey’s neck and drew her forward. “I’m so, so sorry, Grey,” she whispered as she pressed her lips to Grey’s forehead. “I’m so sorry.”
“Me too,” Grey rasped. She sniffled and shook her head. “God, I am so sorry,” she muttered as she pulled away and pressed the heels of her palms into her eyes, as if she could stop crying by sheer force alone. “You don’t need to deal with my shit.”
“Hey.” Lauren tugged gently at Grey’s wrists, and smiled sadly when watery brown eyes reluctantly met her own. “I want to deal with your shit.”
“Why?” Grey blew out a loud breath and looked at Lauren in pure disbelief. “Why would you want to deal with any of this?”
Lauren shrugged. “I just do.” She knew that answer was completely inadequate, but she did not know how to even begin to explain it.
“You’re insane,” Grey muttered in a rough, slightly awed voice.
“That is entirely possible,” Lauren agreed, her heart lifting at the small smile that quirked Grey’s lips. “Come here,” she said as she pushed herself to her feet. She was pleased when Grey followed without question, and she hummed under her breath as she pulled Grey into her arms.
Grey wrapped her arms around Lauren’s neck and melted into the embrace. She closed her eyes and buried her face in the crook of Lauren’s neck, greedily taking the comfort Lauren offered. Her heart broke all over again as she thought of thosefinal moments she had with Emily and the days that had followed, and she was only vaguely aware of the gentle hand that was sweeping up and down her back as she cried. Eventually her tears dried up, and Grey let out a shuddering breath as she pulled away. “Thank you.”
“No thanks necessary.” Lauren brushed a tender kiss across Grey’s forehead. “You okay?”
“I will be,” Grey answered softly. It was what she had assured everybody who had asked after the funeral, but this was the first time that she actually believed it. She nodded, almost as if to assure herself that her words were true, and let out a soft sigh as she leaned her forehead against Lauren’s. “I will be.”
CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT
LAUREN HOVERED IN the doorway to Grey’s cabin with a bottle of the brunette’s favorite scotch and two glasses in her hands. Grey was lying face-down on the bed, her arms folded up under the pillow her face was buried in, and if it were not for the rhythmic movement of her right foot sliding back and forth across the edge of the mattress, Lauren would have thought she was sleeping. She had not been surprised when Grey had claimed a headache and disappeared to her cabin as soon as the dessert dishes had been cleared. To be honest, Lauren was surprised that Grey had not done so earlier. Grey had put on a brave face and pretended that everything was fine, but Lauren had not missed the way her eyes would cloud over whenever she stopped moving and her mind was allowed to drift to thoughts of Emily.
Staying on deck and pretending to be unaffected by the knowledge that Grey was upset and alone was torture. She had been beyond grateful when Kim looked pointedly at the salon and told her that they were just going to play a quick game of Go Fish with the boys before calling it a night, and that she was more than welcome to retire for the evening. Lauren had smiled at her gratefully and had to resist the urge to run as she turned and went in search of Grey.
“Hey.”
“Hey.” Grey’s voice was muffled by the pillow, but she knew that Lauren would be able to hear.
“Can I come in?” Lauren waited until she saw Grey nod once before she stepped into the cabin and used her heel to close the door after herself. She padded quickly across the room and sat on the edge of the bed beside Grey. “How’s the head?”
Grey turned her head to look at Lauren, and she smiled when she saw the bottle of scotch in her hand. “Full.”
“I’ll bet.” Lauren watched quietly as Grey sat up and stacked the pillows against the cubbies that made up her headboard. Grey’s eyes were tired yet grateful when she leaned back against the pillows, and Lauren smiled as she handed her one of the empty glasses. “Thought you could maybe use a drink.”
“You thought right.” Grey sighed and patted the bed beside her. “Make yourself comfortable.”
Lauren slid into the empty spot beside Grey and placed the glass in her hand between her legs so that she could unscrew the cap on the bottle of scotch. She poured a generous amount of the rich, ocher-colored liquor into each of their glasses before she quickly re-capped the bottle and leaned over to set it onto the floor beside the bed. Lauren glanced over at Grey as she settled back against the pillows beside her, her body automatically mirroring Grey’s relaxed posture as she stretched her legs out in front of her and crossed them at the ankle.
Grey could feel Lauren’s eyes on her, and her lips curled in a small smile as she reached out for her, taking Lauren’s left hand into her right and twining their fingers together. She gave Lauren’s hand a light squeeze but said nothing as she sipped at her scotch, and her mind, which had been spinning with memories of Emily, finally going still at the feeling of comfort that flooded through her from Lauren’s touch. The soft brush of Lauren’s thumb over the back of her hand soothed her and, after a few minutes of sittingtogether in silence, Grey turned toward Lauren and gave her a small, grateful nod. “Thank you.”
“You’re welcome.” Lauren gave Grey’s hand a gentle squeeze. “You okay?”
“Yeah. I mean, I will be.” Grey looked down at their hands that were resting on the warm skin of Lauren’s thigh and sighed. Though Lauren had said that she did not mind, Grey still felt bad that she was spending her vacation dealing with all of her drama. “I am sorry about all this.”
