“No, that’s bullshit! You just need to rehab.” He shakes his head and I can already see him shutting down.
“Atlas, listen to me?—”
“You’ll be fine. You look better already. I mean, you just need to take it easy.”
I grab his shoulders, forcing him to look at me. “This is why I didn’t tell you!” Once I yell the words, I want to takethem back. Atlas blinks at me. There’s a thing about Atlas Oli doesn’t know.
Actually, there are many things.
He doesn’t know the squalor Atlas grew up in. He doesn’t know the story behind the Penelope tattoo on his chest. He doesn’t know that Atlas suffers from severe PTSD and childhood trauma that he has never truly dealt with. He doesn’t know that our friend is a functioning alcoholic and drinks way more than he lets us know, and no matter how hard I try and get him help he never goes through with it. I do what I can. I’m there for him. I’m there through his binges and when the darkness in his mind gets too much to handle.
And looking at him now, I know he’s about to cry. His face sprinkles with red. He’s blinking really fast. “They knew?” He looks at Oli and Andre. “Wait...” He looks at Felix. “Did he fucking know?!”
“He’s my caregiver,” I say softly, feeling shame for yelling.
“Caregiver,” he snorts, shrugging my hands off him. “Sure.”
“Atlas.”
“This is bullshit.” He turns his eyes on Oli. “First you hide the fact that you’re dating someone—not just someone, our fucking goalie!” He looks back at me, and while his words are angry, I know him well enough to understand he’s really hurt. “This is huge. You didn’t tell me? Why? You let me think you were coming back. I’ve been waiting for it. I—” He throws his cards down. “Some fucking friends!”
He gets up, storming out of the house. I get up, wincing with the movement, but I need to catch him. I won’t let him leave like this. Not after how much he drank. I limp to the door, opening it and finding him pacing. “I forgot my fucking keys!”
“Get over here right now!” I snap. Without our audience I can relax. “Come here. Now.”
He glares at me a moment before giving in and walking into me. I take him in my arms for a moment and just hug him. I don’t like it when he’s upset. “I can’t believe you didn’t tell me.”
I pull back, clutching the back of his neck and forcing his gaze onto me. “I didn’t tell you because I knew you’d be upset. Maybe I was looking for some hope. It’s not coming. This is my new reality and it’s time I accept it.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?” He swipes his eyes.
“Because I knew telling you would be the hardest, and I’m a coward.” That earns me the tiniest twitch of his lips. “I’m upset too. Spending these last couple of years traveling with you has been amazing. You’re my travel buddy, and I’m going to miss the hell out of doing that with you.”
I watch his bottom lip tremble. “Maybe if you find other doctors?—”
“No.” I look at him. “I’m not. It’s time I accept it.” Maybe for the first time in my life it’s my turn to relax. Hockey was my life, but more and more I wonder if I was missing out. I think about Felix, and the feeling I had waking up this morning.
That’s what I want.
Maybe not with him, we just met. With someone, though. Waking up with the person I love every morning. Not having to rush off to a schedule. Just lazily enjoying my person’s company and the heat of them against me. That sounds like a pretty good life too.
All his fire burns out. He acts like a brat when he’s mad, but I know how to handle him. “It’s going to be okay.”
“How can you just say that? Who else is going to be around? Oli has Andre. The only other close friend I have is Ryker, and he never wears clothes to bed! That’s not a cuddle situation I want to find myself in.”
I laugh. “Most of the United States and Canada has seen Ryker naked. You’re not special.” He stares at me flatly.
“I don’t have any other close friends on the team. Not ones who know me like you do.”
I know he has dependency issues, but this is a bit extreme even for him. “You’ll be okay. Maybe if you tell Oli about some things...”
“I don’t want to,” he says softly.
I squeeze his shoulder. “He doesn’t even know about Penn.” His blue eyes harden. “That’s a pretty big thing not to tell him.” Even as I suggest it, I know he won’t. He never talks about her.
“I don’t want to talk about her.”
I let it go for now. He’s crashing fast. “Well, you’re not driving tonight either. Stay here with me or go home with Oli and Andre.
