A deep groan rumbles from his chest when I work the knots corded between his neck and shoulders. His eyes flutter shut. I do my best working out the knots, paying extra attention to the spots that make him groan. With his eyes closed, I get greedy, drinking him in. His red lips look soft and his face is relaxed. It’s been a long time since I’ve enjoyed someone’s company. This easy silence is nice.
Grey’s eyes flutter open, locking with my own, and there’s a heavy pause before a slow smile spreads across his soft lips. Tension clouds the room along with the steam rolling off the water. “Feel good?” He nods softly. I continue to squeeze, my thumbs digging into the tension underneath his skin. “So. Did they just start dating? Your friends?”
“They did.”
“How does that even work? I thought, you know, sports were notoriously um, well?—”
“Filled with toxic masculinity?” I nod while he laughs. “Oh, you bet. They really didn’t have a choice, though. Someone from a gossip website took photos of them kissing and posted it online. It was a shitshow, but if anyone can handle that, it’s Oli.” He shakes his head. “It’s not easy. Fans still give them shit, but Oli doesn’t care. Too busy being in love to care.” He smiles softly. “They’ve known each other for a long time now, but only recently started dating.”
“That’s nice, like a second chance at love.” That sounds really nice actually. The thing is, with Steven, I know I can’t hide out here forever. We’re legally married. I have to face him sometime, but right now I need to focus on stability and safety. In the dark, quiet corners of my mind the truth hides away.
I’m afraid I’ll go back.
It’s not that I want to, it’s just... I don’t know why I do it. I always go back. Fear, maybe? Dependency? I don’t know. I’m just determined to make this time the last time. When Steven had gone to work, I’d go on forums and talk to other domestic abuse survivors. Some never wanted to date again. Others found happy relationships. While it should be the last thing on my mind, I wonder what it would look like being with someone else. I’ve never experienced real love.
Growing up, my parents didn’t show me much attention. My father passed away when I was young, and then my mom’s attention turned to the various boyfriends who came and went. Does it make me pathetic to crave feeling special? Maybe. I want someone to love me. Really love me. I want someone to treat me like I’m their whole world.
I’m terrified I won’t see the warning signs. What if I miss them again and end up with someone as bad as Steven? Or worse. Can it get worse? “What are you thinking about?” He blinks up at me, voice soft, his head resting between my legs.
“Just thinking.” I realize I haven’t been massaging him, my fingers just lightly touching the soft skin of his shoulders. “Sorry.” I pull them back and get out of the tub. Grabbing a towel, I dry off my legs, feeling his eyes on me.
“What about you, Felix? Tell me a bit about yourself.”
I sit back on the toilet seat and watch him. “There’s not much to tell.”
The corner of his lips lift. There’s this look in his eyes. Prying. Searching. It’s like he can see the things I was thinking.I know he undressed me the other night. I know he saw the bruises. “I doubt that.”
“I’m pretty boring. I um, don’t have any hobbies or friends. I kind of um, stick to myself.” It’s true, though. I don’t have much of a life. I’ve tried to escape my old one, and really didn’t have much of an exciting one before that. “I’m pretty boring.”
He smiles softly. “I know that’s not true.”
“Um, I don’t mean to sound ungrateful, but why did you buy those things? Is that like, part of my paycheck or?—”
His eyes open back up and he sighs, sitting up. “Last night I noticed you didn’t have anything in your room. You told me all you had was the clothes you were wearing, so I wanted to do something nice. I was an asshole yesterday and I just want you to know that’s not who I am.”
“You don’t have to buy me anything. I get it. It’s okay.”
His brows scrunch. “It’s not okay. It’s not okay to take this situation out on you. I’m sorry for the way I acted.” He covers his face with his large hands then smooths them down his beard. “You don’t know me, but I promise you, that’s not how I am. I’m—” His words choke. I blink, anxiety webbing my lungs as I watch his eyes glisten. “I’m not like that. I promise,” he whispers roughly. “I’m not this person.”
A fresh start. “Well, um, thank you.” The other question I have screams at me, and Grey’s vulnerability with me gives me courage. “I want to know. Um. I woke up shirtless, and I was wondering?—”
Without looking at me, he gives a quick nod of his head. “You were pretty drunk. I laid you down and put you to bed. A bit of a lightweight, huh?” He chuckles softly.
“It’s been a long time since I drank.” With that his gaze lands on mine. “Honestly, my head only just stopped hurting, so probably never again.” He laughs. “And you saw?—”
“Yeah,” he says quietly, looking at me like he wants to peelback my secrets. With the way his eyes lie on me, I might tell him. “Are we going to talk about it?”
Maybe not. “I don’t want to.”
Grey’s gaze doesn’t let me go. “Did he hurt you?”
“I said I don’t want to talk about it.” My chest tightens. I need to get out of here. “Um, I’m going to um, change. Yeah, change. I’ll, uh. I’ll be right back.”
“Felix.”
“I’ll be right back. Enjoy your bath. I uh, I’ll get dinner started too, okay?”
“Felix.”
