Despite my stinging cheek, I laughed in her face. “There’s not a damn respectable thing about you. You’re an absolute mess of a human. No wonder Dad left. Now I’m out of here too. You won’t see me again.”
I started for the door. She rushed after me shouting, “You would abandon me like that? You’re just like him. You only care about yourself. After everything I’ve done for you over the years. This is how you repay me?”
There seemed to be no end to her delusions. I wasn’t sure how she thought she’d ever done me any favors. During my childhood we’d barely scraped by. I was always an afterthought. All she cared about was getting high and checking out.
“After everything you’ve done for me?” I gaped at her in surprise. “I’m the one paying your bills. Giving you all of my spare cash and leaving myself with nothing to get ahead. And have you once thanked me? No. Instead you treat me like shit, like you always have. I’m done with your entitled crap. I’m not letting you use me anymore.”
She rushed out onto the front step after me so she could keep shouting as I went to my car. “I hope you live a long and miserable life. Alone. You don’t deserve to be happy. I never have been.”
She continued to rant and rave as I closed the car door, shutting her out. She’d said so much worse to me in the past. Her insults rolled off me now, meaning nothing. For a long time I’d internalized the nasty things she said. Making them part of me. Using them to keep pushing for better. Shaping the personI’d become. The person who would do anything to take care of others, even work a job I hated, never receiving so much as a thank you.
Something inside me had broken today. Changing the way I would go forward from here. I was done being that person. The pushover. The good girl. The one who tried so hard to keep it together that I used drugs and self-harm to unleash the pain I’d buried within me for so long.
I didn’t know where I would go from here. I only knew that I couldn’t keep doing things the way I’d been doing them. Something had to change.
I drove away from my mom’s house, leaving her there to scream at me on the front lawn. My phone buzzed with a text message. When I came to a stop at the end of the street, I peeked in my purse to find a message on the screen from Auryn. Not in the mood to look at it, I kept driving.
When I returned home, I found Athena in the living room, painting her nails. I was surprised she hadn’t gone out tonight.
“What are you doing home so early?” She paused midmotion, glancing up at me.
“I got fired. Jamie came in, and I dumped a bowl of chili in his lap. So that’s that I guess. I’ll have to look for a new job. I’m gonna go take a shower or a bath. I need some time to unwind.” I didn’t give her a chance to grill me with more questions. Disappearing instead down the hallway.
As much as I loved my friend, I needed to be alone right then. To get my head on straight, if that was even possible. In my bedroom I tossed my purse onto the bed, causing my phone to spill out. Auryn’s message caught my eye.
We need to talk.
Not right now we didn’t. Grabbing the pill bottle from the bottom of my purse, I poured two pills into my hand and quicklyswallowed them. Then I got busy gathering some fresh clothes to wear after the bath. A pair of soft PJs and a fuzzy robe.
Once I’d locked myself in the bathroom, I gave in to the urge to grab the razor from my makeup bag. Just one small cut. Something to keep me from exploding. I ached for the release.
Even though I knew I shouldn’t push it, I poured a few more pills into my palm and quickly downed them. I didn’t think it was a dangerous amount, even though I knew it was far more than the recommended. All I wanted was to escape my reality for a while.
I opted for a bath instead of shower. Wanting to slip into the hot water and relax. Doing my best to tune out everything and just be in the current moment.
It didn’t take long for the handful of pills to take effect. I was still in the bath when I began to feel it. A euphoric sensation that quickly spiraled into dizzy and confused. I realized quickly that I’d taken a stupid risk.
Wanting so badly to escape my current reality, I’d done something incredibly foolish. Knowing that I might not have much time before the effects got worse, I scrambled out of the bath, almost slipping in my haste.
My limbs moved exceptionally slow as I tried to dry off. The faster I tried to move the slower my body seemed to respond. This was bad. This was really bad.
My tongue felt heavy in my mouth. My breathing slow and shallow. Dragging my robe on, I struggled to tie it around my waist. It took much more strength than it should have to open the bathroom door and stumble out into the hallway.
I tried repeatedly to call Athena’s name. Nothing would come out. Everyone would think I’d been trying to kill myself, even though that wasn’t the case. If I died now, they would never know otherwise.
That thought stuck with me. Encouraging me to get to the living room. I refused to let it end this way. Beaten by my inner demons.
Somehow, I managed to fling myself into the living room, collapsing on the floor in front of Athena who screamed. Shoving her nail polish stuff aside, she leapt off the couch and rushed over to me. When I didn’t respond to her calling my name and slapping my face, she grabbed for her phone.
The haze fogging my brain grew stronger. My vision going dark. I tried again to speak. Nothing would come out. I fixated on the apartment ceiling as it spun above me before it finally disappeared.
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
AURYN
“The last piece of pizza is mine, you pigs. I knew we should have ordered two.” Codie leaned forward to snatch the last piece of pizza out of the box on the coffee table.
She sat on the middle cushion of the couch between Stray and me. Since we were all staying home tonight, we’d decided to watch a few movies together and hang out. Dominik and Noah were in the basement doing God only knew what. Probably engaging in some steamy gay sex.
