My eyes drop from her as I internally shake my head at myself. My palm presses to my aching erection, causing me to groan softly. But I refuse to alleviate the pain myself.
Ignoring it unfortunately doesn’t make it go away.
I can’t do this. I can’t want her the way that I do. It’s too risky. Tooclose.
And I can’t afford any of that right now. Not with the Irish preying on our territory.
I rip the covers back and leave before I make a mistake I won’t be able to undo.
I don’t know if I woke her up or not. I don’t stop to check because if I do, I’ll end up in that cage, or she’ll end up in my bed. And it’ll be out of my control.
I can’t afford to lose control, not over her, and not over myself.
On my way to my office, I come across Pyotr as he steps out of the meeting room with a few folders tucked under his arm. “Pyotr.”
“Sir,” he says as he straightens up.
“I think we should reorganize our defenses. We have extra guards here that we don’t need. They could be stationed elsewhere,” I tell him, my mind splitting in a dozen different directions. As long as she isn’t the center of my focus.
“Sir, all of our important properties are well guarded,” Pyotr assures me.
“Our territory has a firm border. We need to defend it,” I tell him. “If we catch sight of anyone suspicious, we stop them before they infiltrate our territory even deeper.”
Pyotr rubs his jaw, eyes drooping with exhaustion. “I could shave down a few patrols to free up some men, and they could watch the border closest to the Irish’s territory.”
Is it overkill? Maybe. Is it the right move? I hope so.
All I know is that I have to dosomething. I can’t just lay in that room thinking about her. I need to be winning this war and not losing myself in my goddamn feelings.
“Do that,” I say with a nod. “We need to stay on top of things. If we can throw the Irish off, we’ll have an edge over them.”
“I’ll make a call before I head to bed. You should get some sleep too,” Pyotr encourages me.
I tried that, and it didn’t work. I think I’ll sleep in my office again tonight whenever my thoughts finally quiet down.
“In a little while. What do you have there? Anything I need to review?” I reply as I motion to the folders that he’s holding.
“Reports. Patrol maps. The usual,” Pyotr says as he flips open the folders to show me all the paperwork inside.
“I’ll look at it all,” I tell him as I take the folders. There’s no harm in brushing up on everything. Again.
Pyotr lifts his eyebrows in surprise, but he doesn’t protest. “Do you want to push the morning meeting back a little? So you can get some more sleep.”
“I’m fine, Pyotr,” I say, my eyes sharpening a degree.
“Yes, sir. Goodnight,” Pyotr tells me before walking away.
I head to my office, fighting back a yawn. Or a few of them. When I drop down into the chair at my desk and flip open the top folder, I nearly fall asleep reading the first line. Everything has been wearing me down more and more lately.
I’m just tired. That’s why I’m losing my mind a little.
All I need is sleep. That’s what I tell myself, anyway.
But I know sleep won’t come to me yet because there’s something else I’m too desperate for.
Tonight, I’ll give in. I’ll take myself in my hand thinking of Alina in her sexy lingerie, then tomorrow morning I’ll be back in complete control.
Or at least pretending I am.
