I don’t do this. I don’t hold or comfort.
I command. I control. I fuck.
That’s it.
I hate myself for needing distance, but I gently lower her back to the floor, getting her off my lap. Getting her away from me.
Alina jolts awake, confusion filling her tired eyes as she stares up at me once I stand.
I let her keep the towel to wrap around her so that she can stay warm, but she can’t have me or anything that might confuse this further.
Drawing my eyes away from her, I walk out of the cage and lock the door behind me, my heart slamming against my chest. I consider crawling into bed and trying to go to sleep, but even the thought of being so close to her so soon makes me uneasy.
I leave the room and return to my office, burying myself in work for a few more hours, until a soul-deep exhaustion, and irresistible pull, sends me back to my bedroom with her.
6
Alina
Fuck Gavriil.
Those two words play on a loop in my mind as I lie curled on my side on the cage floor, my body shaking uncontrollably from the cold.
He finally gave me a towel last night and then held me in his lap before dropping me on the floor and bolting.
I shouldn’t have let him touch me at all. But he was so warm and I was so cold I couldn’t think straight. Being in his arms reminded me of being with Dominik, and I forgot about everything else and let go. Just for a few minutes.
Still, I’m angry at him for taking my mattress and clothes, leaving me with just the stupid towel.
I knew he could be cruel, but what he did to me…I can’t stop imagining suffocating him in his sleep with his fluffy pillows as he snoozes comfortably in his king-sized bed with his soft blankets. He made me take an ice-cold shower in front of him!
And for what? To humiliate me? To remind me that he’s in control?
I won’t give him my screams or tears. My silence is the only control I have left, and I’m going to make him choke on it.
For the first time since I’ve been stuck in this cage, fury burns through my grief and guilt, sharp and consuming. I’ve been numb to everything since my brother took a bullet to his head, but now…all I can think about is how Gavriil has ruined my life.
And how badly I want to hurt him.
“You should be angry, dikaya koshka. It’ll keep you alive longer than the sadness.”
Dominik’s words echo in my head, feeding the fire inside of me instead of smothering it.
I glare at Gavriil as the moonlight falls on him, allowing me to make out just a few details. The fullness of his bottom lip that’s so much like Dominik’s. His broad nose that fits his face annoyingly well. A loose strand of his wavy, black hair rests on his forehead as he rests on his back.
Why does he get to look the way he does? He deserves to look as ugly as what he’s done.
I silently grind my teeth as I watch him sleep so peacefully, wishing I could figure out a way to escape this cage. With every hour that passes, my body weakens more and more, but I can’t bring myself to give Gavriil anything that he wants.
Does he want defiance? I’ll give it to him in the only way that I can.
Trying to fight my way out of here just isn’t going to happen right now. I’m too weak. Too defeated.
A faint groan catches my attention, snapping me out of my thoughts. My gaze returns to Gavriil as he flinches in his sleep, his eyes remaining shut.
What the hell?
“No…” Gavriil murmurs, his brow furrowing and his mouth turning downward in a deep frown. He mutters something in Russian that I can’t quite make out. It sounds like a plea.
