Renat starts the car, the sound of the engine making my stomach drop. Then he drives away from the house and through the gates surrounding the property.
I can’t help but look over my shoulder, watching the gates close behind us. A lump forms in my throat, and I rip my eyes away, my thoughts loud and unignorable.
This doesn’t feel right.
I should be ecstatic that Dominik and I are finally free, but the circumstances of everything else make this feel hollow. Gavriil didn’t even come see us off.
He chose not to, which makes things feel even more unfinished between us after being together earlier.
He could die in this war, especially without his second by his side, but Dominik chose to leave.
And I want to be with Dominik. I do. I know that he can’t go back to following orders again. Nothing can go back to how it used to be once the war is over.
Dominik breathes in deeply through his nose, his body stiffening even more than it already was. His eyes dart around as we drive further away.
Without a word, he reaches over and takes my hand, easing my nerves just a little. We’re both treading unfamiliar waters, keeping the other from drowning.
Eventually, I’ll have to accept things as they are, but for now, all I know is that freedom shouldn’t feel like leaving part of my soul behind.
38
Gavriil
My chest feelstight enough to bruise.
From the upstairs window, my eyes trailed Dominik and Alina as they walked to the car a few minutes ago. Alina’s hand was on Dominik’s arm like he was the only thing grounding her to the earth.
Jealousy still flickers through me. Only an hour ago, she was tucked under my arm, sleeping soundly like everything was right in the world.
I wish that it was. I wish that holding her could be normal for me.
Pressure formed under my ribs as I watched Valentin open the back door of the SUV. Dominik stepped forward first, but Alina paused.
She paused.
Then she climbed into the car, and it carried her away from here.
From me.
“Fuck,” I breathe out as I rest my forehead against the window.
Watching them leave felt like having my heart ripped out of my chest. It’s a loss that I know will haunt me forever, but there’s no going back now. The decision has been made, and they’re gone.
They’re…gone.
It was risky letting her stay as long as I did just to have her once, letting her sleep in my arms for a few minutes. But it was harder to leave her than I even expected it to be.
I swallow around the knot in my throat and turn away from the window, still feeling that pull deep in my chest that I’ve only ever felt toward Alina. There’s a name for it that I can’t even speak, but it lingers, refusing to leave, too.
I drop down onto one of the cushioned chairs in the lounge where men smoke cigars and drink vodka. I consider pouring myself a glass or two to dull this festering pain, but I need to stay sharp.
The attack could happen soon, and I want to fight with everything that I have. I don’t need to be stumbling around drunk again.
Another moment of failure for me.
I’ve made enough bad decisions these past few months that I no longer trust my own judgment.
I couldn’t tear Dominik and Alina apart no matter how hard I tried. They’re meant to be together against all odds.
